Never Alone

Do you ever have that feeling like you're alone? That no one understands what you're going through? Or that they are avoiding you simply b/c the weight of your problem is too much for them? That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. As though I was alone. Drowning in the silence of my life that is actually screaming from all directions. That my bipolar has pushed people away b/c I'm exhausting to be around. This couldn't be further from the truth.

As my roommate and I were watching Kung Fu Panda 1 & 2 last night my thoughts went racing (which is completely normal for bipolar II). One of the many lessons to be found in the movie is that of believing in yourself. That you are special. You are special b/c God created you just the way you are. My identity is not found in being bipolar, my identity is in Christ. And with Him, I am never alone. Heb. 13:5 "...I will never leave you nor forsake you."

It's important too to remember that you are not a burden. Sometimes your life may feel overwhelming, but Jesus is not overwhelmed. Most friends are not overwhelmed. In reality they just need to know how to pray for you. And if you need to dump all the junk your feeling on someone, try Christ. He is right there waiting for you. Matthew 11:28-30 " Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle adn lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Remember that you are special and that you always have someone waiting and willing to listen and share in the burden of what you're feeling in Christ. It's as simple as that. Truly. I often forget, but it truly is that simple. I also wanted to share a song with you. It's by Matt Redman called Never Once. The words have been like a salve to my soul lately as I try to remember the simple truth that I'm not alone in all this.

Bipolar

I want to apologize for the absence of posting on here. I had to wait until I went home to see my family so that I could talk with them before I posted anything online.

In early October I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. My life has been a roller coaster ever since. I have debated left and right which way to go with this. Well, I decided that my blog with be the beginnings of my being open and honest about what is going on. I feel that too often in the Christian circle we gloss over the hard parts of life and don't talk about them, or just pretend they don't exist. My being bipolar makes no difference to my faith. If anything, my faith in what God is doing is growing even stronger.

So I would like to invite you to join me on the journey through the ups and downs. The silly times and the hard struggles. To invite you to join me in real life. The foundational verses that I am clinging to during this journey are Psalm 73:26, " My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." When things get tough I know He is holding me up, Psalm 54:4, "Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life." This means isall good. Once again I'm given this promise in Romans 8:28-39,"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,“For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." And one way He upholds my life is by equipping me with what I need, Ephesians 6:12-19, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints"

These are the verses I will come back to time and again as we go through this journey. I hope you are touched and encouraged as you read through this. No matter what we go through, isall good and we are not alone. Don't be afraid to be the person you were created to be, even if it doesn't follow the norm. :)

Ivy

Lately I'm discovering that life is just one continual lesson. Each individual is being taught at their own speed. Different lessons. Different levels of difficulty. Each one exactly what we need at that specific moment. Our Teacher is patient and with us every step of the way. Sometimes He is silent, but He has never left our side. He knows when to step in a help and when to allow us to struggle as we face the problems ourselves. 

Today is a beautiful day in Oregon. The sun is out. It's a crisp 59 degrees. Fall. Oh how I love it! Today is also my first Saturday not working in at least 2 months. I am enjoying all aspects of what today holds. Alas, part of what I get to do today is yard work. The joys of living in a duplex and not an apartment. I have a yard!!!! :) I also have a lot of trees which results in a lot of leaves that need raking. After borrowing a rake from a friend I set out this morning to tackle the yard. I was looking forward to the labor. What I didn't know is that really it was a divine appointment from the Lord. 

I started off by raking all of the leaves in the front and side of the house. I added them to my compost pile. Then I took a look at the side of my house. Ivy. I knew at some point I was going to have to deal with it, but today? Really? Why not! I mean, how much is there really?

So I started the process of pulling it out. Surly it wouldn't be that bad. After two minutes my hands hurt. Where were those silly gloves that I have? The ivy was tearing my hands apart. This is where the lesson started for me. The Holy Spirit started working over time in my mind. Ivy is just like sin in our lives. Sure, it looks enticing and seems like a good idea, but as soon as you start it will spread and cover more area than you anticipated. The roots will go deeper than you want them to. The act of removing it from your life will not be simple. It will hurt. It will wear you out.

I put on the gloves. A tool that I had to make the process less painful. God does the same thing for us. He won't call us to deal with something and leave us unequipped. He provides all that we need. This doesn't mean that the process will be any easier. Some of our sins are so deep within us that we don't even recognize them as sin. We just think they are a part of us, the way we do things on an everyday basis. But as we start viewing things in light of the Word we see the truth: sin is sin no matter what form it takes in our life. 

By no means is dealing with sin a simple fix. Neither is getting rid of ivy. It was killing my back. My arms started to feel like jello. I asked God to give me a knight in shining armor (well, at least someone with more muscle than me)! No one came. This was my battle to go through. He was there with me, but I needed to do some of the work myself. Interestingly enough, as I'm thinking through some of the areas of sin that have recently come to light in my own life, I started to rationalize the reasons for not dealing with the sin. What could possibly be wrong with that? It was then that the cord to my headphones got entangled with the increasingly annoying ivy.

It didn't take me long to get untangled, but the reality of the picture struck me. We try to rationalize keeping sin in our lives, and it starts to take hold of us. If we're not careful, we'll become stuck again. All the hard work we have gone through will be swallowed up by the sin continuing to spread and grow over the area we just cleared. There is no room for leaving sin in our life. Just like the ivy, it has to be destroyed to the depths for it to not come back. Matthew 5:29 ESV says, "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." If Jesus takes the sin in our life so seriously, why don't we?

I labored for what felt like hours. Truly, it was 45 min. The point is, that sometimes the process seems as though it is never ending. Don't give up. No matter what, don't give up. Each life is different. Maybe you have a little bit to clean up. Maybe you have a lot. It doesn't matter. You just keep plowing ahead until you are done. 

I filled an entire trash can. No wonder I was so exhausted! I was sweaty, covered in dirt and grime. I dealt with spiders, snags and the strong desire to give up. Yet that was not an option. Just like the lessons God is taking me through at the moment. They aren't easy. They aren't enjoyable. Truthfully, they suck. However, I know that the result is going to be my finding true freedom in Christ. A freedom that no one can take away from me. A freedom to be myself in Christ. So even if the process is hard and not enjoyable, I wouldn't change it for anything. The result will far out weight any hardship along the way. 

Now, it's also important to remember that we can't do it alone. I did get the majority of the ivy. However, part of it is beyond my control. The only way to fully get rid of it is use some ivy killer chemical stuff. So I will be getting that soon. God doesn't call us to do it all by ourselves. There are parts that only He can take care of. That is when we have to let go of the control and turn it over to Him. Allow Him to get down deep the roots we can't get to. To destroy them and bring about the healing that only He can do. I promise it will be worth it. 

Rejection

Do you have a fear? Something that causes you to hesitate at critical moments in your life, possibly even through the mundane moments of life? Why is that fear present? What type of control does it have over your life? Do you have any control over it? 

Recently I have been going through some things (I'll be talking about those at a later date). Through this journey I have been going through all aspects of my life. Sometimes these journeys are not pleasant at all, but I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is still in control and that He has a purpose for it. So, while the journey may stink at the moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know that God is using it to draw me closer to Him, and nothing else matters. 

I was having dinner with a friend the other night. She was sharing her thoughts regarding all that was going on. Tears were shed. Laughs filled the air. Frustrations and venting came forth. It was an emotional night. More questions formed in my head than answers. One that keeps going through is what am I so afraid of? What stops me in so many different situations? Causes me to hesitate and then back away. To hide. To stop moving forward. Why is it so hard for me to be vulnerable? One word: Rejection. One of my biggest fears is the fear of being rejected. 

My personality is off beat. I don't follow the mold of others. In fact, if at all possible, I'm gonna go against the flow. Yet I find that in being true to myself I am often afraid of the rejection of others. Will they accept me for who I am? Will I be judged for being different? How can I be true to myself and yet still be unique? Is it even possible? Is there any safety in doing so? 

I don't have the answers. I only have my experience through it. We just finished teaching a series by Francis Chan: Basic God. http://basicseries.com/ It has been great to go through, and really causing me to evaluate the realness of my relationship with God. Do I have the proper perspective? Am I living how He wants me to live? Or am I living life according to my own accord? Tonight we finished with a focus on the Holy Spirit. Allowing Him to work freely in our lives and to follow where He leads us. To be willing to allow God to remove the layers of whatever it is in our lives that are keeping us from walking in the Spirit. I realized that my fear of rejection is one of the layers I have to turn over to Him. To allow Him to peal away all the pieces of that fear until I find my complete healing in Him. 

One of the areas I struggle with is the area of my signing. I have no idea what God is doing with this part of my life as it has been put on hold. I am striving to trust Him and His timing and purpose for this portion of my life, and trust me, it has not been easy. Truthfully, I was in tears over it on Sunday. Why would God give me this passion to sign and then I don't ever get to use it? Is it impossible for me to use? Can I possibly sign with the worship team? Do I get to go back to school? Pass that silly test? Even talk with someone who is deaf? I know He has a reason and a purpose, I just don't know what it is!

Now, this doesn't always happen, but tonight He worked in such a way that I was able to do some signing at the prison. Truthfully, it scared me to death. When I am signing there are no walls. No falsities. No pretenses. My soul is free for all to see. I am at my most vulnerable point. Needless to say, I made it through the song. I know that God used it to touch lives (which I am thankful for), but honestly, that isn't that important to me. It was a moment of God showing me that it is OK to be vulnerable. To stand up there when He calls me to knowing that some will reject me. It doesn't matter. What matters is following where the Spirit leads and being willing to be used by Him for His glory. That is the greatest acceptance there is.

So I know this journey is no where near finished. I'm also aware of the fact that I will more than likely have to continue on with this lesson in many areas before I fully get it. But that is the beauty of Gods grace and mercy. He meets us where we are. Walks with us step by step. Helps us when we fall, to get back up and get going again. Is patient with us when the journey is slow. There is no rush. It is a beautiful relationship that is here for the rest of eternity. He will never leave our side. He will cheer us on every step of the way. The good, the bad, the easy, the tough, the fun, the sad. Every step of the way. Each journey is different, but He is the same: meeting us right where we are. No matter what our fears, He knows. If we allow Him to have control, He will work to help us peal the layers away and find the healing we are so longing and searching for. Embrace the moment. Treasure His love and kindness. Know you are not alone. Also keep in mind isall good because isall God. (Romans 8:28).

Change

Do you like change? I like the type of change that I can control. When change is all around me and 90% of it is out of my control, I don't like it. In fact my reaction is to fight it. To come out with arms swinging until I am completely exhausted and broken to realizing the change just might be the best thing for me right now. 

Recently one of my best friends asked me if I had read my last entry in my blog recently. I hadn't been on here in forever so I had no idea what my last post was. I find it funny that I last wrote about Trials. The changes in my life are just a bunch of huge trials. How is it we can learn a lesson and then forget it so easily? My body is still battling the issues with food. Still rejecting so much of it. My journey with school is over for the minute. I did not graduate the program, but I did finish it. I'm working full time. I moved and love my new place, it's within walking distance of the church (and many other things.) Yet I feel as though my life is crumbling in pieces all around me. The reality, I'm learning that it's not falling apart but rather, I am not in control.

As I struggle to even express what I'm feeling I try and pour out my heart to God through writing my prayers out in a journal. Even my words aren't flowing smoothly. The past couple of days I have been given a verse of scripture that is clearly from God. Yesterday it was Isaiah 65:24 "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" (NLT) What a comforting reassurance. To be reminded that God already knows what is going on and He is working it out. He is answering our prayers according to His will and purpose. My problem is that too often instead of looking to God and seeing the situation through His eyes, I am too busy looking at the situation around me and seeing it from my perspective. So while I'm not the biggest friend of change, I'm learning that a change of perspective is exactly what I need. 

Awesome God, please help me to see things through your eyes. To look at the situation and seek Your will and guidance for every step of the way. Help me to not see it as change but to see it as a new direction that You are leading me in. I am trusting You. And when I doubt or question, "help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). Do what is necessary to draw me closer to You and in a way that brings You glory and honor. _lml

Trials

Ever gone through a tough time? Questioned why you were going through the struggle? Ready to give up and call it quits? Trying to figure out what point this could possibly have in your life? What are you supposed to be learning?

There are a few things that I have been struggling with. Why would God create me with such a strong straight forward personality and yet ask me to live in a meek manner? Why is my body still continuing to reject food after months of the battle becoming worse? Why would God allow us to be drawn to something/someone if that something/someone was not what we were to be drawn to? What could He possibly be doing in our lives?

As all these questions fly through my mind I pray that God will change the situation. Change my heart. Change my body. Take away the pain. Take away the struggle. Take away all that is keeping me from You. The reality is I should have been praying, "Lord, teach me. Teach me whatever it is that I need to learn during this time. Even if it hurts, teach me. Draw me ever closer to You."

This morning as I was reading in 1 Peter. I was focused in on v.6 & 7, "In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes through it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." Did you catch that? I am to rejoice in my trials. Why? I only go through trials when it is necessary. Necessary for what? For Christ to receive the praise, glory and honor due Him through what happens in my life.

How can I argue with that? God loves me so much that He is willing to put me through the trials when they are needed. And no matter what happens I know that isall good. Why? Because isall God (Romans 8:28). He is in control. Through Him I can make it through whatever He has in store for me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 & 10, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Lord I am willing to go through whatever you want to take me through. Please be glorified in my life. _lml

Cravings

Have you ever had a craving that wouldn't go away until you gave in to it? For me it's more like when have I not had a craving and given in to it. I often struggle with this. Why would God create me in such a way that caused me to continually go against what I'm supposed to do? What is the point in that?

I've been reading a book called Made to Crave: Satisfying your deepest desires with God, not food by Lysa TerKeurst. Now, most of my struggle is with food, which is rather annoying considering all the things I can't eat due to allergies. But when viewing those struggles in light of scripture there is great comfort and hope to be found. If you think about it, the very first sin that happened revolved around food. (I was not the first person to give in to that temptation!) All throughout scripture there are verses upon verses that talk about food. This is not by mistake. Rather, it is a reminder that no matter what we are going through, God understands. Not only does He understand, but He has also given us the tools (scripture) we need to be able to overcome those temptations. Now, there may not be a verse that specifically names the sin that you are struggling with, but there is scripture that will deal with your heart issues in the matter, or that is general/specific at the same time that the Holy Spirit points out to you in connection with your sin. God's word is alive and available to us, we just need to tap into it. I strongly encourage you to check out Lysa's book. I have learned so many lessons not only connected to food, but just the reality of how we are designed in general. http://madetocrave.org/

We are designed to crave. Our problem lies in the fact that we often fill those cravings with things/people and not God. In Exodus 20:3 God says, "You shall have no other gods before me." Anytime we put something before God in our lives, it has taken His place, it has become a god to us. Unfortunately this isn't often just a one time thing, it usually spreads from there. Joshua 23:7 says, "...that you may not mix with these nations remaining among you or make mention of the names of their gods or swear by them or serve them or bow down to them." Once we have placed something before God in our lives we have started to mix with it. Then we will probably mention it in some way or form, and before you know it we have started to swear by it, serve it and in a sense are bowing down to it. It has become a god in our lives. It is a progression that needs to be stopped. I think that we go through life thinking of little idols carved and sitting somewhere and us bowing down and worshiping them as our god. The reality is though that anything that comes before God: TV, sports, food, music, friends, family, money, coffee, books, cars, work, Facebook, Twitter, things, etc, all of that can become a god in our lives. It can start small and spread from there. Look at Adam and Eve. One piece of fruit and their lives were forever changed. A piece of fruit. A bite of fruit. Sin is sin, no matter how big or small. Satan just needs a way in, a way to get our focus off of Christ and onto something else. We do the rest ourselves.

I gave up Facebook for lent. Honestly? I LOVE IT! I have found so much more time in my days and I am making the conscious effort to spend that time with God and not filling it with other things. I do miss being connected with people, but I have learned how much time I waste on there. So when I do re-activate my account there will be more limits to how much I'm on there. And when it starts to become an issue again, I will abstain from it for a while. It's all about the moderation and priority something has in our life. God needs to have the most of our life, not the leftovers. When I'm craving those french fries, am I really needing them? Or is my body craving something deeper, richer, more fulfilling? Do I even have that type of a longing for God? I should. Oh that our lives would be like Psalm 63:1 "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dray and weary land where there is no water." God help me to crave You more!