Every one of us has something we are passionate about in life. A friend of mine once described me as a passionate individual. Explaining that I live life fully and completely, leaving nothing behind. To understand this you have to examine my life. During the fall, one of my favorite seasons rolls around: Football Season! I am 'passionate' about my Iowa Hawkeyes. On a weekly basis I am 'passionate' about my ministry opportunities. I am 'passionate' about the teens in our youth group. I am 'passionate' about the women in the prison. When I'm at work, I am 'passionate' about making a quality cup of coffee for our customers. I come home and my apartment shows my passion for life. It's warm and inviting, comfortable, full of expressions of love. I am 'passionate' about how it's decorated. So yes, I guess you could describe my life as 'passionate' and that would be accurate. Tonight I realized though that my passion is changing.
I am studying Sign Language Interpretation. Why? I am 'passionate' about sign language. At times I cannot fully communicate with words what I want to say. However, if you give me some music and allow me to sign, I will not only tell you what I am thinking, I will show you my very soul in the process. I will withhold no aspect of myself in communicating. Sign Language is a window into the soul of who I am. When I sign for someone they are allowed the opportunity to look through the panes of glass that are often closed off by a curtain of protection. I cannot sign without showing my soul. It's how I freely communicate with God. My truest form of worship with Him comes in signing. Tonight was a revelation to me about my 'passion'.
The greatest desire I have for signing is for God to use the skills I'm learning to minister to others. I don't care how He does it, but I want to serve Him through sign. In the past I have done this by signing music in church. I still have people come up to me with tears in their eyes over the memory of me signing because of the way God used that to impact some truth to them. The combination of signing and music reaches into the depths of the souls of others to impact them and draw them closer to God in a way I can't even begin to explain. I have been blessed to be used by God to help draw others closer to Him. Often I use the signing in the prison as it also tears through walls the inmates have built up in their lives to reach them in a way that might not have otherwise been possible. Therefore, no matter how hard, I will continue to answer the call to ministry of sign as long as God so chooses to call me.
Tonight was different. Earlier today I was at a sound check for a memorial service tomorrow. Grandma Bernadine, a wonderful woman who suffered from Alzheimers whom I was a caregiver to for three and a half years, was always supportive of my signing. She used to come see me sign at church when I was spending the weekends with her. She would blow me a kiss and wave at me from the audience. When I would return to sit next to her she would always hold my hand and remind me that God was glorified by the beauty of my soul sharing. She encouraged me to keep going. The second to last time I signed in church, she was there, with my special kiss. It's been over a year and a half since I've signed in church. I say that only to say that I felt as though the 'passion' inside of me was being squelched. I wasn't being used of God to minister to others the way I had anticipated. It hurt(s). Why God? Why would You give me this burning desire and then not use it??? Am I seeking after the wrong thing? Did I chose the wrong path? Did I get it wrong after all?
I've been reading a book by John Piper, "A Hunger for God", in which Piper talks about fasting and prayer. Part of fasting is being willing to give up the good (to fast, and not necessarily with food) in order to spend more time with Him (which is better than the good thing you gave up). What exactly does that mean? I think I'm finally beginning to get it. Tonight I needed to clean part of the apartment as my parents will be here for a visit in a couple of days. I put in a CD with some of my favorite worship songs and started walking towards the bedroom to get started cleaning. I was drawn back to the living room and stood there signing song after song to God. I was overwhelmed with tears streaming down my face. I was barely able to breath as I felt myself standing in His presence, worshiping Him. Without even realizing it, I had fasted a part of my schedule to spend more time with Him. To draw closer to Him. And then it clicked. He is my Passion. Spending time with Him is my passion. It doesn't matter if I never get to sign again. What matters is that I get to spend time with Him. Even if the only signing I ever do is in my living room, where I am communicating with Him, that is enough. I don't need more. What I need is Him and Him alone.
So I will follow my Passion wherever He may lead me. I will minister however He asks me to minister. I will find my satisfaction in Him alone. Oh my Sweet Jesus, please keep taking me through these moments of drawing me closer to You. The pain is worth the impact of realizing how precious You are.
_lml
