Ruth

If you were to ask me my middle name I would smile at you and simply shake my head no. You could guess and ask for hints and I would not help you. If I had told you my middle name in the past and you asked me again because you couldn't remember, I would not tell you again. I partially knew why, but tonight I finally understood completely why I wouldn't share that part of my life with you.

I am named after my grandmother. Now, my grandmother and I did not have a very good relationship. All throughout my childhood she tried to change me. I was the tomboy. She wanted a granddaughter who was ribbon and curls. A girlie girl. I was far from that. As a result I felt as though she resented me. I was one of the only grandchildren named after her, and yet she blocked me from her mind. At Christmas she gave my brothers money, I got a piece of string (I'm not kidding). When I was younger I had a blue mole on my nose. While my cousins were outside playing in the creek, I was sitting in the kitchen w/ egg white from inside the shell on my nose, letting it dry while grandma tried to pull the mole out. I never got a birthday card. As my grandparents were getting older they gathered all the family together to read a living will. I was the only family member not in the will. The only one.

Hurt upon hurt was added through the years. I tried. I tried really hard to be everything she wanted me to be, but it was never enough. When I returned home for her funeral I bawled. I couldn't even remember the last time I had told her I loved her. Truthfully, there was still resentment there. I wanted to tell her I loved her, and I couldn't. I hurt.

Lately I have been dealing with the hurts. Telling God about them and trying to find my confidence in Him and not in what others think of me. Yes, I still long for the approval of those I love, yet truthfully, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm living my life for God and that He loves me unconditionally. I am beautiful in His eyes. He made me just the way I am, and therefore I am perfectly and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13 & 14 says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it!"

I struggle with how others perceive me. As a result, I allow those I love to hurt me. No more. Today I realized the greatest thing I can do is forgive them and respond in love. If I choose to not forgive, I am giving them the power to hurt me. However, if I instantly give the hurt to God, forgive them, and respond in love, I am no longer being hurt. I am loving others in a way that God has told us to love. Unconditionally, just as He loves us. My favorite verse on love has always been 1 Cor. 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I were to love others that way...wow! Imagine how things would change!

Tonight I have forgiven my grandmother. I'm no longer holding on to the hurts. I choose instead to look only at the good memories. Every time I would leave her house, she gave me a flower in a vase. The flower, when turned petals down, looked like a dancer with a beautiful flowing dress. My grandma staid up at night with me when I was suffering from a horrible sunburn and could not sleep. My grandma would brush my hair and tell me it was absolutely beautiful. My grandma didn't laugh at me when I sat on a cactus (don't ask, just remember, tomboy). My grandma would always let me eat a cookie or piece of candy (even if mom and dad said no). My grandma loved me.

My name is Teresa Ruth Appleby. I was named after my grandmother Ruth Appleby who loved God with all her heart and strove to bring others closer to Him in all that she did. I love my grandma.