Rejection

Do you have a fear? Something that causes you to hesitate at critical moments in your life, possibly even through the mundane moments of life? Why is that fear present? What type of control does it have over your life? Do you have any control over it? 

Recently I have been going through some things (I'll be talking about those at a later date). Through this journey I have been going through all aspects of my life. Sometimes these journeys are not pleasant at all, but I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is still in control and that He has a purpose for it. So, while the journey may stink at the moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know that God is using it to draw me closer to Him, and nothing else matters. 

I was having dinner with a friend the other night. She was sharing her thoughts regarding all that was going on. Tears were shed. Laughs filled the air. Frustrations and venting came forth. It was an emotional night. More questions formed in my head than answers. One that keeps going through is what am I so afraid of? What stops me in so many different situations? Causes me to hesitate and then back away. To hide. To stop moving forward. Why is it so hard for me to be vulnerable? One word: Rejection. One of my biggest fears is the fear of being rejected. 

My personality is off beat. I don't follow the mold of others. In fact, if at all possible, I'm gonna go against the flow. Yet I find that in being true to myself I am often afraid of the rejection of others. Will they accept me for who I am? Will I be judged for being different? How can I be true to myself and yet still be unique? Is it even possible? Is there any safety in doing so? 

I don't have the answers. I only have my experience through it. We just finished teaching a series by Francis Chan: Basic God. http://basicseries.com/ It has been great to go through, and really causing me to evaluate the realness of my relationship with God. Do I have the proper perspective? Am I living how He wants me to live? Or am I living life according to my own accord? Tonight we finished with a focus on the Holy Spirit. Allowing Him to work freely in our lives and to follow where He leads us. To be willing to allow God to remove the layers of whatever it is in our lives that are keeping us from walking in the Spirit. I realized that my fear of rejection is one of the layers I have to turn over to Him. To allow Him to peal away all the pieces of that fear until I find my complete healing in Him. 

One of the areas I struggle with is the area of my signing. I have no idea what God is doing with this part of my life as it has been put on hold. I am striving to trust Him and His timing and purpose for this portion of my life, and trust me, it has not been easy. Truthfully, I was in tears over it on Sunday. Why would God give me this passion to sign and then I don't ever get to use it? Is it impossible for me to use? Can I possibly sign with the worship team? Do I get to go back to school? Pass that silly test? Even talk with someone who is deaf? I know He has a reason and a purpose, I just don't know what it is!

Now, this doesn't always happen, but tonight He worked in such a way that I was able to do some signing at the prison. Truthfully, it scared me to death. When I am signing there are no walls. No falsities. No pretenses. My soul is free for all to see. I am at my most vulnerable point. Needless to say, I made it through the song. I know that God used it to touch lives (which I am thankful for), but honestly, that isn't that important to me. It was a moment of God showing me that it is OK to be vulnerable. To stand up there when He calls me to knowing that some will reject me. It doesn't matter. What matters is following where the Spirit leads and being willing to be used by Him for His glory. That is the greatest acceptance there is.

So I know this journey is no where near finished. I'm also aware of the fact that I will more than likely have to continue on with this lesson in many areas before I fully get it. But that is the beauty of Gods grace and mercy. He meets us where we are. Walks with us step by step. Helps us when we fall, to get back up and get going again. Is patient with us when the journey is slow. There is no rush. It is a beautiful relationship that is here for the rest of eternity. He will never leave our side. He will cheer us on every step of the way. The good, the bad, the easy, the tough, the fun, the sad. Every step of the way. Each journey is different, but He is the same: meeting us right where we are. No matter what our fears, He knows. If we allow Him to have control, He will work to help us peal the layers away and find the healing we are so longing and searching for. Embrace the moment. Treasure His love and kindness. Know you are not alone. Also keep in mind isall good because isall God. (Romans 8:28).

Change

Do you like change? I like the type of change that I can control. When change is all around me and 90% of it is out of my control, I don't like it. In fact my reaction is to fight it. To come out with arms swinging until I am completely exhausted and broken to realizing the change just might be the best thing for me right now. 

Recently one of my best friends asked me if I had read my last entry in my blog recently. I hadn't been on here in forever so I had no idea what my last post was. I find it funny that I last wrote about Trials. The changes in my life are just a bunch of huge trials. How is it we can learn a lesson and then forget it so easily? My body is still battling the issues with food. Still rejecting so much of it. My journey with school is over for the minute. I did not graduate the program, but I did finish it. I'm working full time. I moved and love my new place, it's within walking distance of the church (and many other things.) Yet I feel as though my life is crumbling in pieces all around me. The reality, I'm learning that it's not falling apart but rather, I am not in control.

As I struggle to even express what I'm feeling I try and pour out my heart to God through writing my prayers out in a journal. Even my words aren't flowing smoothly. The past couple of days I have been given a verse of scripture that is clearly from God. Yesterday it was Isaiah 65:24 "I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" (NLT) What a comforting reassurance. To be reminded that God already knows what is going on and He is working it out. He is answering our prayers according to His will and purpose. My problem is that too often instead of looking to God and seeing the situation through His eyes, I am too busy looking at the situation around me and seeing it from my perspective. So while I'm not the biggest friend of change, I'm learning that a change of perspective is exactly what I need. 

Awesome God, please help me to see things through your eyes. To look at the situation and seek Your will and guidance for every step of the way. Help me to not see it as change but to see it as a new direction that You are leading me in. I am trusting You. And when I doubt or question, "help my unbelief" (Mark 9:24). Do what is necessary to draw me closer to You and in a way that brings You glory and honor. _lml