Everyone has scars. Some are visible. Some are emotional. Some are fresh. Some have been present for years. All are a reminder in one way or another of something painful in our life.
Lately there has been some examining of scars going on at the prison. One lady was wrongly accused of some wrong doing by another inmate. As a result, she lost her job and could possibly end up in more trouble. Interestingly enough, the accusations were proved to be false, however, the consequences still remain. Now her scar of being betrayed by those who she holds close and dear is threatening to reopen. The enemy is spinning a lie around her that is causing her to doubt who she is and to doubt her ability to live in a way that is glorifying to Him. She is doubting that she will ever be able to trust those around her. The scar of her past experiences is a foothold that Satan is trying to take advantage of to cause her to start believing the lie.
Another inmate has a scar that deals with abusive authority in her life. Life has shown her to not trust those in authority over her because they will take advantage of that power and harm her. Her response is to defend herself and usually by opening her mouth and stating exactly how she's feeling. She defends herself and challenges them at the same time. She fears what will happen if she doesn't stand up for herself. Again, a lie that the enemy is trying to divert her with. Trying to discourage her and stop her from moving forward for God.
Another woman is dealing with the crime she committed. The anniversary of the man she killed while driving drunk just passed. Her way of coping? To turn off all emotion. Become numb, devoid of all feeling and response. If the tears rise to the surface, she takes a deep breath, looks straight ahead, squares her shoulders, and puts on a stone face. The enemy is lying to her in stating that this is how she is supposed to deal with everything. To not let it have an impact on her. Oh, she has dealt with this in the past, but things like this don't just go away. There will always be milestones that arise to bring back the emotions. Her scar is really deep and is brought to the surface in a harsh manner.
My last lady has physical scars. She is a cutter. She turned from God when her father took his life seven years ago. She is believing the lie that God doesn't care about her. That she is of no value to Him. Her way of dealing with this despair is to inflict pain on herself. She feels the need to validate the pain she is feeling, and by inflicting further pain she feels justified in the depressing feelings she is fighting. Her scars are fresh again, and the pain is overwhelming. The lie is the only thing she is seeing at the moment.
All of these women have a special place in my heart. God has placed them in my heart. I understand their scars. I have similar scars. I haven't been through all the same situations, but I have experienced similar responses. I have the emotional scars. My physical scars have faded over the years. I get it. I count it a blessing to have those scars. We all go through these experiences, and if we allow God to work and change us to be more like Him through the circumstances, he can and sill use those scars to spread His love to others. I don't regret anything I have been through. Time and again God uses those events to help me connect with others. God does the same thing through His word. His word is packed full of examples from believers lives. We can glean from those experiences and lessons to help us grow in our own walk with Him. My prayer is that God works in my life the way He did in the lives of those found in His word. I will accept the scars, knowing in the end, He is working to draw me into a more intimate relationship with Him.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Prison
Have you ever had one of the moments when you think you have it all figured out? You really know what God is trying to teach you? Then a short while later you realize you were wrong. That God had a completely different purpose entirely? That basically sums up my week. Let me share what has taken place...
Last Wednesday in youth group we went through Acts chapter 5. A few verses really stuck out to me. "But an angel of the Lord came at night, opened the gates of the jail, and brought them out. Then he told them, "Go to the Temple and give the people this message of life!" So at daybreak the apostles entered the Temple as they were told, and immediately began teaching." (19-21) I really thought I understood what God was trying to teach me here. I was wrong!
The next morning I received an e-mail from a friend stating I was heavy on their heart. They said they would be praying the words of Nehemiah for me all day: Protection. Later that evening as I was preparing to head out to minister in the prison I got a phone call from two of my girls from the youth group. They wanted to know specifically how to pray for the ministry that night. So I went through a run-down of some of the spiritual warfare we had been dealing with and requests for God working through us and for us staying out of God's way. They took time to both pray with me right there and then. Praying for wisdom from God, for my tongue and speech to be guarded but for my mind to be quick with scripture. It was so precious. I kept wondering why God was having so many people pray for me in one day. Nothing was noticeable on my part, I was a little cranky, but other than that nothing was out of the ordinary...not yet anyways.
We arrived at prison, and truthfully I was excited to see what God was going to do. Each week He was showing us what an awesome and amazing God He is. What would He do that night? We always start our nights off with singing. I took that time to write in my prayer journal. I prayed and prayed, I read scripture and wrote some of the verses that stuck out to me in my journal. A couple verses I wrote were Prov. 25:15 "Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones." Prov. 12:16 "A fool is quick tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted." I prayed my focus would stay on Him and on His truths, that my entire being would glorify Him.
Towards the end of the night we broke into small groups for discussion. Two ladies joined my group who I refer to as part of the "posse". As the discussion took place the "posse" combated everything I was saying. Telling me I was wrong, questioning everything I was saying. Now, if you know me, I am not one to just sit back and allow myself to be attacked. I fight back. I know how to defend myself, and I am sharp with my words. However, God truly had control that night. I just sat back, breathed, then ended discussion. I stated it was time for prayer. I took prayer requests, then lead the table in prayer. I prayed for each individual, then I prayed for the group as a whole. I prayed scripture over them, the Holy Spirit was bringing verses to mind faster than I could pray them. My response instead of fighting back in attack was to love them and to pray for them. So obvious to me that God was in control and I wasn't.
After we prayed my heart was heavy for one of the two girls. She was following the "leader" and not acting like the woman I have known for a couple years now. She was distracted. Trying to be like someone and ignoring the tender woman inside of her. I could see the struggle. I could see the desire to follow where God was leading her, but the desire to fit in was just as strong. I thought about calling her out on her personal attack against me. Pointing out she was not acting like herself. She is straightforward just like me, so I knew she could handle it. I told her I wanted to chat with her. So we walked to the side of the room, and I decided to pray. (Pretty sure that was God at work again, and not me!) We prayed. I prayed for God to break her, to bring out the tenderness that is inside desiring to reach those around her with the love of Jesus. I prayed scripture over her. We finished and she looked at me and simply said, "I needed that." I told her "I know." She stared at me for a while, then she said thank you. I could see it in her face, the struggle is still there. I need to lift her up continually!
Here I was, thinking that God had given us another wonderful night in prison, and He had. He just wasn't finished yet. The "leader" asked to speak with all the volunteers. So after almost all the other inmates had left, we gathered in a circle to chat. She opened her Bible to 1 John 2:22-23 "And who is a liar? Anyone who says that Jesus is not the Christ. Anyone who denies the Father and the Son is an antichrist. Anyone who denies the Son doesn't have the Father, either. But anyone who acknowledges the Son has the Father also." She then turned to me and said "You are an Anti-Christ. You need to repent. Are you going to?" Then she turned to my team and asked them, "So what are you going to do now?" I just stared at her. Did she just say that? Seriously? One of the team members stepped between the two of us, and I turned and walked away. The tears started flowing. I could be called a lot of things, but that was not one I was ever prepared for. Honestly. What was I going to do?
I cried the whole way home. Then I realized I had to go back. That this coming Thursday I was going to be walking into prison again facing these ladies. I prayed God would give me the love. There was something terrifying to me that I could quite figure out. On Sunday I received a card from one of the girls reminding me of what Christ had gone through. He was considered a blasphmer. People treated Him as an Anti-Christ and He was the Christ! He was there to lay down His life for them! They rejected Him. I Matt. 16:24 Jesus says, "...If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Part of my cross is going to be going back and loving those ladies. To face those who didn't reject me, they rejected my Savior. What am I going to do?
Well, truthfully, what I've done best is cry and pray. Lots. Sunday evening I went to re:Generation praying God would speak to me. I had no idea what was stopping me. The focus: Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work saving everyone who believes - the Jew first and also the Gentile." I am not ashamed...I am not ashamed. As the night continued I realized what was holding me back. I wasn't ashamed, I was afraid. I was afraid to stand up in front of those ladies, to serve Him and to be attacked again. For the "leader" to stand up and accuse me in front of everyone. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to serve Him because I was afraid of being persecuted again. I was afraid.
I prayed with a friend, both of us with tears streaming down our faces. When asked how she could help I said to just pray. To pray and send me scripture. She has done so. Monday she sent me Ezekiel 2. I love verses 6&7, "Son of man, do not fear them or their words. Don't be afraid even though their threats surround you like nettles and briers and stinging scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls, even though they are rebels. You must give them my messages whether they listen or not..." I need to go back. I need to not be afraid. I just need to go back and to love them and share His love with them.
Today I got a phone call from the prison. They are now doing an investigation on what happened. The prison is in a riot over the events. Everyone knows what happened. Security will now be increased as a result. Interesting. I shared with the officer that no matter what I would be back. I also stated I didn't wish for the inmate to be in trouble or to be removed from our services. This was the second time I had been asked by the officials if I felt that she should be removed. The answer is still a resounding no. She needs His love, His compassion, His mercy, His grace. If everyone always pushes her away, how will she learn? How will others learn from this? The officer was shocked. She didn't expect me to say that. She begged me to continue to keep coming. I promised her that nothing short of God taking me home would stop me from coming. This is where God has placed me. End of story. Until He calls me elsewhere, I will be there. In 6 years nothing has scared me away, and this won't either. No matter what happens I will continue to go and love and share.
I rejoice in God bringing this into my life. It hasn't been easy, and it won't be. I know this. But I also know that He is in control and that His plans are far greater than mine. Who knows what He is going to do through this. One thing is certain though, He is already using it as He has gotten the attention of the entire prison. Now to see what He does next!
Here are the lyrics to a song that has been helping me through. I listen to remind myself of the truth, He is my Savior, He knows who I am. He knows the truth, and I need to only listen to Him.
Last Wednesday in youth group we went through Acts chapter 5. A few verses really stuck out to me. "But an angel of the Lord came at night, opened the gates of the jail, and brought them out. Then he told them, "Go to the Temple and give the people this message of life!" So at daybreak the apostles entered the Temple as they were told, and immediately began teaching." (19-21) I really thought I understood what God was trying to teach me here. I was wrong!
The next morning I received an e-mail from a friend stating I was heavy on their heart. They said they would be praying the words of Nehemiah for me all day: Protection. Later that evening as I was preparing to head out to minister in the prison I got a phone call from two of my girls from the youth group. They wanted to know specifically how to pray for the ministry that night. So I went through a run-down of some of the spiritual warfare we had been dealing with and requests for God working through us and for us staying out of God's way. They took time to both pray with me right there and then. Praying for wisdom from God, for my tongue and speech to be guarded but for my mind to be quick with scripture. It was so precious. I kept wondering why God was having so many people pray for me in one day. Nothing was noticeable on my part, I was a little cranky, but other than that nothing was out of the ordinary...not yet anyways.
We arrived at prison, and truthfully I was excited to see what God was going to do. Each week He was showing us what an awesome and amazing God He is. What would He do that night? We always start our nights off with singing. I took that time to write in my prayer journal. I prayed and prayed, I read scripture and wrote some of the verses that stuck out to me in my journal. A couple verses I wrote were Prov. 25:15 "Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones." Prov. 12:16 "A fool is quick tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted." I prayed my focus would stay on Him and on His truths, that my entire being would glorify Him.
Towards the end of the night we broke into small groups for discussion. Two ladies joined my group who I refer to as part of the "posse". As the discussion took place the "posse" combated everything I was saying. Telling me I was wrong, questioning everything I was saying. Now, if you know me, I am not one to just sit back and allow myself to be attacked. I fight back. I know how to defend myself, and I am sharp with my words. However, God truly had control that night. I just sat back, breathed, then ended discussion. I stated it was time for prayer. I took prayer requests, then lead the table in prayer. I prayed for each individual, then I prayed for the group as a whole. I prayed scripture over them, the Holy Spirit was bringing verses to mind faster than I could pray them. My response instead of fighting back in attack was to love them and to pray for them. So obvious to me that God was in control and I wasn't.
After we prayed my heart was heavy for one of the two girls. She was following the "leader" and not acting like the woman I have known for a couple years now. She was distracted. Trying to be like someone and ignoring the tender woman inside of her. I could see the struggle. I could see the desire to follow where God was leading her, but the desire to fit in was just as strong. I thought about calling her out on her personal attack against me. Pointing out she was not acting like herself. She is straightforward just like me, so I knew she could handle it. I told her I wanted to chat with her. So we walked to the side of the room, and I decided to pray. (Pretty sure that was God at work again, and not me!) We prayed. I prayed for God to break her, to bring out the tenderness that is inside desiring to reach those around her with the love of Jesus. I prayed scripture over her. We finished and she looked at me and simply said, "I needed that." I told her "I know." She stared at me for a while, then she said thank you. I could see it in her face, the struggle is still there. I need to lift her up continually!
Here I was, thinking that God had given us another wonderful night in prison, and He had. He just wasn't finished yet. The "leader" asked to speak with all the volunteers. So after almost all the other inmates had left, we gathered in a circle to chat. She opened her Bible to 1 John 2:22-23 "And who is a liar? Anyone who says that Jesus is not the Christ. Anyone who denies the Father and the Son is an antichrist. Anyone who denies the Son doesn't have the Father, either. But anyone who acknowledges the Son has the Father also." She then turned to me and said "You are an Anti-Christ. You need to repent. Are you going to?" Then she turned to my team and asked them, "So what are you going to do now?" I just stared at her. Did she just say that? Seriously? One of the team members stepped between the two of us, and I turned and walked away. The tears started flowing. I could be called a lot of things, but that was not one I was ever prepared for. Honestly. What was I going to do?
I cried the whole way home. Then I realized I had to go back. That this coming Thursday I was going to be walking into prison again facing these ladies. I prayed God would give me the love. There was something terrifying to me that I could quite figure out. On Sunday I received a card from one of the girls reminding me of what Christ had gone through. He was considered a blasphmer. People treated Him as an Anti-Christ and He was the Christ! He was there to lay down His life for them! They rejected Him. I Matt. 16:24 Jesus says, "...If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Part of my cross is going to be going back and loving those ladies. To face those who didn't reject me, they rejected my Savior. What am I going to do?
Well, truthfully, what I've done best is cry and pray. Lots. Sunday evening I went to re:Generation praying God would speak to me. I had no idea what was stopping me. The focus: Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work saving everyone who believes - the Jew first and also the Gentile." I am not ashamed...I am not ashamed. As the night continued I realized what was holding me back. I wasn't ashamed, I was afraid. I was afraid to stand up in front of those ladies, to serve Him and to be attacked again. For the "leader" to stand up and accuse me in front of everyone. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to serve Him because I was afraid of being persecuted again. I was afraid.
I prayed with a friend, both of us with tears streaming down our faces. When asked how she could help I said to just pray. To pray and send me scripture. She has done so. Monday she sent me Ezekiel 2. I love verses 6&7, "Son of man, do not fear them or their words. Don't be afraid even though their threats surround you like nettles and briers and stinging scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls, even though they are rebels. You must give them my messages whether they listen or not..." I need to go back. I need to not be afraid. I just need to go back and to love them and share His love with them.
Today I got a phone call from the prison. They are now doing an investigation on what happened. The prison is in a riot over the events. Everyone knows what happened. Security will now be increased as a result. Interesting. I shared with the officer that no matter what I would be back. I also stated I didn't wish for the inmate to be in trouble or to be removed from our services. This was the second time I had been asked by the officials if I felt that she should be removed. The answer is still a resounding no. She needs His love, His compassion, His mercy, His grace. If everyone always pushes her away, how will she learn? How will others learn from this? The officer was shocked. She didn't expect me to say that. She begged me to continue to keep coming. I promised her that nothing short of God taking me home would stop me from coming. This is where God has placed me. End of story. Until He calls me elsewhere, I will be there. In 6 years nothing has scared me away, and this won't either. No matter what happens I will continue to go and love and share.
I rejoice in God bringing this into my life. It hasn't been easy, and it won't be. I know this. But I also know that He is in control and that His plans are far greater than mine. Who knows what He is going to do through this. One thing is certain though, He is already using it as He has gotten the attention of the entire prison. Now to see what He does next!
Here are the lyrics to a song that has been helping me through. I listen to remind myself of the truth, He is my Savior, He knows who I am. He knows the truth, and I need to only listen to Him.
The tension is thick in the air
Making it hard to see
I fear what is to come
And what will become of me
I say a prayer help me not run away
Will you please hold me
And sing me a love song again
Say the words that heal my heart
sing me a love song and then
Let your words remind me who I am
You've never failed me before
Why do I feel betrayed
If I close my heart to you now
The darkness would have its way
I crave your voice help me not fall away
Will you please hold me
'Cause you are all I need
And all that I want is you with me
You are all I need
And all that I want is you with me
Sing Me a Love Song by Barlow Girl
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Love
I find it interesting that I have wanted to write this out for a while, however I am just now setting aside the time to share my thoughts. As I sat in class waiting for my day to begin, I opened my e-mail to see what scripture of the day I would be meditating on. This is what was awaiting me in my inbox:
"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35
I immediately cringed. Love. Again? Why is God always pointing love out to me? Have I not gotten the picture yet? Apparently not! Last year I was overwhelmed with the sense of not knowing how to love those around me. After studying several sermons our church had gone through on love, one of my teens suggested I read the book by Francis Chan Crazy Love. So I did. Wow! I learned more about love in those few weeks than I think I have my entire life. So why is God bringing it to light again? Have I not gotten the point to His message? I am to love those around me. I get it...or do I really????
I don't think I do. Especially after reading John 13:35 that morning. Shortly thereafter a classmate sat down next to me and immediately started to try my patience. The verse floated through my mind. I need to start with loving those around me. Oh great. This is going to be fun! NOT! It's one thing for me to love those I don't know, another to execute love to those close to me who push every button of mine possible. It reminds me of Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Hmmm...makes me think. One of my selfish ways is to desire my wants above those around me. I need to put aside that selfish desire, and pick up my cross by putting those around me first. By loving them.
Right now God is teaching me this lesson with my roommate. Coming from different cultures, we have different perspectives on things. In her culture, they hug a lot. A lot. Honestly, there are times when I feel completely hugged out. My selfish desire causes me to make decisions like this morning where I hurried out the door so that by the time she got there it was too awkward to share a hug. I was already mostly out the door. I felt so ashamed. I put myself first. I didn't even take into account how this might impact her emotionally throughout the day. I thought only of myself and my desires. I was not loving her.
I have been challenged to truly love those around me by casting aside my selfish desires, picking up my cross and following Him. Love those around me as He loves them. To constantly pray for love to flow from me. I am not naturally a loving person. One look at 1 Corinthians 13 shows that. Start with verse 4 where it says, "Love is patient..."and I've already fallen short. I am not patient. Let alone moving past that part of love. I need to pour more into my relationship with Him so that as He loves me deeper and more intimately I can in turn share that love with those around me. Starting with those under the same roof as me. Picking up my cross daily and casting aside my selfish desires.
Lord help me to fall more in love with you today than I did yesterday. Also help me to follow you by casting aside my selfish desires and pick up my cross whatever it may be. Make the desire of my heart to be loving you and loving those around me with every ounce of my being!
"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35
I immediately cringed. Love. Again? Why is God always pointing love out to me? Have I not gotten the picture yet? Apparently not! Last year I was overwhelmed with the sense of not knowing how to love those around me. After studying several sermons our church had gone through on love, one of my teens suggested I read the book by Francis Chan Crazy Love. So I did. Wow! I learned more about love in those few weeks than I think I have my entire life. So why is God bringing it to light again? Have I not gotten the point to His message? I am to love those around me. I get it...or do I really????
I don't think I do. Especially after reading John 13:35 that morning. Shortly thereafter a classmate sat down next to me and immediately started to try my patience. The verse floated through my mind. I need to start with loving those around me. Oh great. This is going to be fun! NOT! It's one thing for me to love those I don't know, another to execute love to those close to me who push every button of mine possible. It reminds me of Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Hmmm...makes me think. One of my selfish ways is to desire my wants above those around me. I need to put aside that selfish desire, and pick up my cross by putting those around me first. By loving them.
Right now God is teaching me this lesson with my roommate. Coming from different cultures, we have different perspectives on things. In her culture, they hug a lot. A lot. Honestly, there are times when I feel completely hugged out. My selfish desire causes me to make decisions like this morning where I hurried out the door so that by the time she got there it was too awkward to share a hug. I was already mostly out the door. I felt so ashamed. I put myself first. I didn't even take into account how this might impact her emotionally throughout the day. I thought only of myself and my desires. I was not loving her.
I have been challenged to truly love those around me by casting aside my selfish desires, picking up my cross and following Him. Love those around me as He loves them. To constantly pray for love to flow from me. I am not naturally a loving person. One look at 1 Corinthians 13 shows that. Start with verse 4 where it says, "Love is patient..."and I've already fallen short. I am not patient. Let alone moving past that part of love. I need to pour more into my relationship with Him so that as He loves me deeper and more intimately I can in turn share that love with those around me. Starting with those under the same roof as me. Picking up my cross daily and casting aside my selfish desires.
Lord help me to fall more in love with you today than I did yesterday. Also help me to follow you by casting aside my selfish desires and pick up my cross whatever it may be. Make the desire of my heart to be loving you and loving those around me with every ounce of my being!
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