Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life we forget to take time to recharge. Or maybe it's just that we don't prioritize taking the time? Or maybe we plan the time for something else entirely and don't realize God has it planned as a time to replenish us? Whatever the case may be, this weekend was a chance for me to recharge from the stress of life, and I had no idea that was what was going to happen.
Our Student Leadership Team, SLT, from the youth group went to Pacific City for a day and a half mini retreat. This was a chance for us to spend time together, have fun, and most of all, prepare for the rest of the year in ministry together. I had my reservations about going. My stomach has been acting up for about 2 months now, and I already have an overly sensitive tummy as it is! Plus, I haven't been at any of the SLT meetings since school began as my schedule is not allowing me to go. At the same time, I have a lot of homework to get done that can't been done at the beach! Nevertheless, I went on the retreat.
After we arrived we started our time together by splitting into groups to go over Galatians 5. We've been learning about reading scripture using TCIA: Text, Context, Implication (gospel implication), and Application. As we went through Galatians 5 I was encouraged to see all the different insights we came up with as a group and how the main thing we were all learning is that it really doesn't depend on us; its about God working in and through us (if He so chooses).
Then we went down to the beach and did some lil' hiking. The views were spectacular and I could have staid there all day enjoying the beauty of Gods creation. And as if the views weren't enough, we got to see a family of seals swimming in the ocean! So cool! We hiked up to the top of a giant sand dune and then all proceeded to run down it (some of us slower than others)! I'm reminded again of why I need to get in better shape when I'm with these teens! We never do anything simple! Yet I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world as we always have a ton of fun. Next we went over to a different spot on the beach to watch the sunset together. The group went down to the water and I sat on a small cliff of sand. I plopped down, started praying and crying. I would switch between watching the group and laughing at their silliness to basking in the beautiful sunset God was painting. I was free to just spend time with Him, being vulnerable and weak while surrounded by His beauty. It was perfect.
We went home and had fun playing games and just being together. I was able to have a great one on one conversation with one of the girls that reminded me of why I love these guys so much. We are a family. We're there for each other, we love each other, we pray for each other, we support each other, we have fun together, and we encourage each other with the gospel truths. We really are a mini family. This conversation was able to provide some healing to an open wound on my heart. The advice was great and God used her words to remind me of the truth and I am so thankful for that.
This morning when I woke up I started with a hot shower (which was a task as I had to first find the water heaters for the girls half of the house, then figure out how to turn them on!) and then I was able to spend time alone with God. I started off in Psalm 31 as the group had been talking about it last night. Verses 9 & 10 stood out to me, "Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and body also. for my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away." I felt as though the cries of David were the cries of my own heart. The pain he was feeling was what my body is feeling. Between my stomach being silly, being denied financial aid for school and having no job, for all the emotional, physical, and spiritual things that are going on. This is what I feel! Yet as I was looking out at the large rock protruding from the ocean, seeing a low layer of fog and a stunning sunrise, I was reminded of Psalm 61:1-3 " Hear my cray, O God, listen to my prayer; form the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy." God is my foundation, my everything. I'm resting in His hand and nothing else matters. Part of v.2 stood out to me as well, "I call to you when my heart is faint." I don't want the only time that I call out to God to be when I am faint. I want to be having this same intimate relationship with Him in the good times, not just when I am weak and vulnerable. Yes, I desperately need Him now, but I need Him no less when life is good.
My weekend was the perfect get away for the recharge I need for my soul. I had a great time with fantastic people that I love and more importantly, was able to spend as much time as I wanted/needed with God without distraction. Nothing else could have been better.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Motivation
Today was a day of revelation for me. This morning as I was standing in my living room signing songs in worship to God my heart started to open up again. As I as driving to church the thought crossed my mind, I have lost sight of my passion. My priorities in life have gotten out of order. How did I let this happen?
I believe it happens in small little every day decisions. As I was preparing to start this term, I made some life changing decisions. After discovering that my parents wanted to help me pay for schooling this year, I made the decision to stop working so I could further concentrate on my studies. Now, I do not regret that decision, however, I do believe it helped me to get my priorities out of order. My focus in my day to day life became my studies at school. To be putting forth my absolute best to get the A's for my grades. To prove that I was good enough to pass the QE (qualifying exam) and get my internship. Now, all of these are good things to be striving for. However, if they are getting in the way of our walk with God, they are no longer good. My priority had shifted from using the skills God has given me to glorify Him, to instead glorify myself. No wonder I have been so stressed out and unsure of where I stand. I'm signing for myself and not for God's glory. There is no satisfaction in that.
The same thing applies to our lives in relation to the Gospel. Many times we go through life thinking that if we're just good enough or try hard enough God will accept us for who we are, sin and all. If that were all it took, then why would God send His Son to die on the cross for our sins? He willingly paid the price so that we didn't have to do anything aside from believing in Him. End of story. Even if we believe this, we still often try to do more. We try to follow all the rules. To be good enough. To prove our worth. Essentially all we do is a slap in the face of God. Its saying that we don't need Him, that the gift He gave of Christ dying, that wasn't enough. We're still living as though we need to do something more to prove our worth. Yet Isaiah 64:6 says, "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment..." in other words, even if we try to do something good, its still no better than a dirty tampon (polluted garment). So, why am I trying? Is there a point? No. There isn't.
So yes, scripture talks about this a lot in relation to the Gospel (for example Gal. 5:1-15), but at the same time, the same principles apply to many aspects of life. My priorities have gone out of order as I put my ability to pass a test above my desire to use the skills He has given me for His glory. My prayer is to let go of the opinions of those around me. Yes I still need to put forth my best effort, but not for the same reasons. I will give my best so that He may be glorified. I will not give my best just to pass a test and feel good about myself. I am only here because this is where God has directed me. If I take Him out of the equation, anything I do becomes polluted garments.
I believe it happens in small little every day decisions. As I was preparing to start this term, I made some life changing decisions. After discovering that my parents wanted to help me pay for schooling this year, I made the decision to stop working so I could further concentrate on my studies. Now, I do not regret that decision, however, I do believe it helped me to get my priorities out of order. My focus in my day to day life became my studies at school. To be putting forth my absolute best to get the A's for my grades. To prove that I was good enough to pass the QE (qualifying exam) and get my internship. Now, all of these are good things to be striving for. However, if they are getting in the way of our walk with God, they are no longer good. My priority had shifted from using the skills God has given me to glorify Him, to instead glorify myself. No wonder I have been so stressed out and unsure of where I stand. I'm signing for myself and not for God's glory. There is no satisfaction in that.
The same thing applies to our lives in relation to the Gospel. Many times we go through life thinking that if we're just good enough or try hard enough God will accept us for who we are, sin and all. If that were all it took, then why would God send His Son to die on the cross for our sins? He willingly paid the price so that we didn't have to do anything aside from believing in Him. End of story. Even if we believe this, we still often try to do more. We try to follow all the rules. To be good enough. To prove our worth. Essentially all we do is a slap in the face of God. Its saying that we don't need Him, that the gift He gave of Christ dying, that wasn't enough. We're still living as though we need to do something more to prove our worth. Yet Isaiah 64:6 says, "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment..." in other words, even if we try to do something good, its still no better than a dirty tampon (polluted garment). So, why am I trying? Is there a point? No. There isn't.
So yes, scripture talks about this a lot in relation to the Gospel (for example Gal. 5:1-15), but at the same time, the same principles apply to many aspects of life. My priorities have gone out of order as I put my ability to pass a test above my desire to use the skills He has given me for His glory. My prayer is to let go of the opinions of those around me. Yes I still need to put forth my best effort, but not for the same reasons. I will give my best so that He may be glorified. I will not give my best just to pass a test and feel good about myself. I am only here because this is where God has directed me. If I take Him out of the equation, anything I do becomes polluted garments.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Passion
Every one of us has something we are passionate about in life. A friend of mine once described me as a passionate individual. Explaining that I live life fully and completely, leaving nothing behind. To understand this you have to examine my life. During the fall, one of my favorite seasons rolls around: Football Season! I am 'passionate' about my Iowa Hawkeyes. On a weekly basis I am 'passionate' about my ministry opportunities. I am 'passionate' about the teens in our youth group. I am 'passionate' about the women in the prison. When I'm at work, I am 'passionate' about making a quality cup of coffee for our customers. I come home and my apartment shows my passion for life. It's warm and inviting, comfortable, full of expressions of love. I am 'passionate' about how it's decorated. So yes, I guess you could describe my life as 'passionate' and that would be accurate. Tonight I realized though that my passion is changing.
I am studying Sign Language Interpretation. Why? I am 'passionate' about sign language. At times I cannot fully communicate with words what I want to say. However, if you give me some music and allow me to sign, I will not only tell you what I am thinking, I will show you my very soul in the process. I will withhold no aspect of myself in communicating. Sign Language is a window into the soul of who I am. When I sign for someone they are allowed the opportunity to look through the panes of glass that are often closed off by a curtain of protection. I cannot sign without showing my soul. It's how I freely communicate with God. My truest form of worship with Him comes in signing. Tonight was a revelation to me about my 'passion'.
The greatest desire I have for signing is for God to use the skills I'm learning to minister to others. I don't care how He does it, but I want to serve Him through sign. In the past I have done this by signing music in church. I still have people come up to me with tears in their eyes over the memory of me signing because of the way God used that to impact some truth to them. The combination of signing and music reaches into the depths of the souls of others to impact them and draw them closer to God in a way I can't even begin to explain. I have been blessed to be used by God to help draw others closer to Him. Often I use the signing in the prison as it also tears through walls the inmates have built up in their lives to reach them in a way that might not have otherwise been possible. Therefore, no matter how hard, I will continue to answer the call to ministry of sign as long as God so chooses to call me.
Tonight was different. Earlier today I was at a sound check for a memorial service tomorrow. Grandma Bernadine, a wonderful woman who suffered from Alzheimers whom I was a caregiver to for three and a half years, was always supportive of my signing. She used to come see me sign at church when I was spending the weekends with her. She would blow me a kiss and wave at me from the audience. When I would return to sit next to her she would always hold my hand and remind me that God was glorified by the beauty of my soul sharing. She encouraged me to keep going. The second to last time I signed in church, she was there, with my special kiss. It's been over a year and a half since I've signed in church. I say that only to say that I felt as though the 'passion' inside of me was being squelched. I wasn't being used of God to minister to others the way I had anticipated. It hurt(s). Why God? Why would You give me this burning desire and then not use it??? Am I seeking after the wrong thing? Did I chose the wrong path? Did I get it wrong after all?
I've been reading a book by John Piper, "A Hunger for God", in which Piper talks about fasting and prayer. Part of fasting is being willing to give up the good (to fast, and not necessarily with food) in order to spend more time with Him (which is better than the good thing you gave up). What exactly does that mean? I think I'm finally beginning to get it. Tonight I needed to clean part of the apartment as my parents will be here for a visit in a couple of days. I put in a CD with some of my favorite worship songs and started walking towards the bedroom to get started cleaning. I was drawn back to the living room and stood there signing song after song to God. I was overwhelmed with tears streaming down my face. I was barely able to breath as I felt myself standing in His presence, worshiping Him. Without even realizing it, I had fasted a part of my schedule to spend more time with Him. To draw closer to Him. And then it clicked. He is my Passion. Spending time with Him is my passion. It doesn't matter if I never get to sign again. What matters is that I get to spend time with Him. Even if the only signing I ever do is in my living room, where I am communicating with Him, that is enough. I don't need more. What I need is Him and Him alone.
So I will follow my Passion wherever He may lead me. I will minister however He asks me to minister. I will find my satisfaction in Him alone. Oh my Sweet Jesus, please keep taking me through these moments of drawing me closer to You. The pain is worth the impact of realizing how precious You are.
_lml
Friday, July 16, 2010
Alaskan Valley
Have you ever gone through an event, just the same as everyone else, and while they all had what seemed like a "Mountain Top Experience," you had a "Valley Experience?" The more I process the recent mission trip I went on, I realize that is how I feel. I got to watch in amazement, and honestly with some jealousy, as I saw God work in the lives of our team on their "Mountain Top Experiences." Where was my mountain top? Was I doomed to go through the valley? What purpose could God possibly have in taking me through the valley?
Now, I don't regret my valley time at all. Truth is, often times we are going through the valley, but it is a mountain top experience just at a lower altitude. The more I process what happened, the more I praise God for what He did. Over the past year I have been extremely busy with school, working two jobs and continuing my volunteer work. My days are crazy busy. I prayed all year for more time with God. More down time to just spend with Him. My prayers were finally answered on this trip. On average I was spending between 2-4 hours alone with Him each day. Alaska is great in the aspect that it gets light at 3:00am during this part of the year. I require darkness to be able to sleep. As a result, I was waking up before the alarm, every day. I spent that time with God. Reading His word, praying and just drawing closer to Him. Often I would find a little more down time in the evening and be able to go back to prayer and the word. It was precious. Quiet and slow, the opposite of my life. Some of those times it hurt. I wasn't with my team because my stomach was reacting to the food, so I was left behind. A low point, yet as I process it, I got that time with God. What is low about that? Nothing. He answered my prayers that I had been praying for a long time. They were just answered in a way I didn't expect.
On Sunday, our team went on a hike. We went to Mt. Roberts to complete a "3/4" mile hike that would take us to this wonderful tram that would bring us back down the mountain. Now, I realize that I am out of shape, but "3/4" of a mile, I could handle that. We began our hike and it was absolutely gorgeous. I was loving it. After a while I was beginning to question our hike. How long was "3/4" of a mile? Was I really that out of shape? I couldn't breath. Oxygen is a must for this kind of activity! What was going on? My team was ahead of me. I looked up at the muddy switchback we were hiking. I could see them lined up above me, looking down at me. The next thing I knew, they were cheering for me. Encouraging me to continue going forward. My team was supporting me. I was humbled. We continued on. By now we've been hiking for an hour and a half. I know that I am slowing the team down, but seriously, and I really that out of shape? What is wrong with me? Why is it so difficult for me to hike "3/4" of a mile???? Now my team is taking turns coming back to spend time with me. Encouraging me. Lauren is singing and I can't even get enough oxygen to breath! I'll try to attach the video we made of that later. Josh came and offered to carry my back-pack. That was humiliating to me. I know he meant well, but I felt like I was failing. I couldn't do it myself. I refused, but then Lindsay asked if she could take it. I let her. (I rationalize that by stating Josh was carrying his own back-pack and Lindsay didn't have one. Really, it was just stupid pride getting in my way.) I felt 100 times better not having that back-pack on. Wow! I could move faster. Two and a half hours later we reach the tram. There is this cute little sign posted there that reads "2.5" miles. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Phew! I am not THAT out of shape! Yes!!!! We just accomplished a 2.5 mile hike. Victory!
I can't really explain it, but at several points along the way, I felt God stripping away my pride. Humbling me. Working on different areas of my soul. I need to change. I need to die to myself and follow Him wherever that may be. I need to trust Him and allow Him to do whatever it is He needs to do. It's not about me. It's all about Him. I need to live my life in a way that glorifies Him in all aspects. I realized I am not glorifying Him with my body. I have become lazy in my crazy busy life. I am not taking as good of care of my body as I should. So I am changing that. Better eating habits are coming into practice. Exercise is becoming a must. No more excuses. It's time to give it all to Him.
Now, I was sure my mountain tops would come in the form of connecting with my girls. Nope. I honestly didn't have times of connection with them. I prayed daily for them. I begged God to give me "divine appointments" with the girls. Times to chat and discuss how He was working and what they were learning. They never came. I sat and watched as my girls connected with the other leaders on our trip. Ouch. That hurt. In my selfish human self, I was hurt. Why God? Why weren't You allowing me a chance to connect with them? Can't I share in that experience? The answer was simple: No. Why? The lesson I was being reminded of is that it is not about me. It's about God and Him receiving the glory. Romans 11:36 says, "For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen." I was forgetting an important thing. Just because God called me to go on a missions trip doesn't mean He had to use me. What was important was that I was willing to go and follow His calling on my life. What happens from there is up to Him. It's not about me, and regardless of whether He chooses to use me or not, He still gets the glory from the work done. There is so much more I learned, through the process of God humbling me and stripping away pride in my life. Pride that I wasn't even aware existed in some cases. It's interesting as I continue in my valley time, life is still quiet and slow. It's uncomfortable for me. Others think something is wrong, but I tell them not to worry. Nothing is wrong. God is just working in my life right now, and that requires me to be quiet and listen. To slow down and process. To rest in His peace. To die to self and glorify Him.
"I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain."Psalm 3:4Saturday, June 26, 2010
Gospel
As I continue on my journey to find my identity in Christ, I am reading the book A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent. Today as I was reading there were some sections that hit me hard. In the section entitled Resting in Christ's Righteousness Vincent writes this,
"I never have to do a moment's labor to gain or maintain my justified status before God. Freed from the burden of such a task, I now can put my energies into enjoying God, pursuing holiness, and ministering God's amazing grace to others. The gospel also reminds me that my righteous standing with God always holds firm regardless of my performance, because my standing is based solely on the work of Jesus and not mine. On my worst days of sin and failure, the gospel encourages me with God's unrelenting grace toward me. On my best days of victory and usefulness, the gospel keeps me relating to God solely on the basis of Jesus' righteousness and not mine."
The scripture to support this is as follows:
Romans 4:5 "But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in God who forgives sinners."
Romans 5:18-20 "Yes, Adam's one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ's one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners.But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous. God's law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God's wonderful grace became more abundant."
We all mess up. Just because I have a relationship with God does not mean I will never mess up again. I will. I will give in to temptation and sinful lusts. By His grace alone, I can overcome that sin in my life. However, when I mess up, God still loves me. He forgives me and gives me more grace. My salvation is in Him and does not go anywhere. Therefore my worth does not decrease when I mess up. God still loves me. There is extreme comfort in knowing that truth. That truth should produce an overwhelming love in me for Him.
Vincent also wrote Obedience Borne of Love,
" Therefore, preaching the gospel to myself is a great way to keep God's amazing love before my eyes, so that I might experience its power to produce in me a passionate love for Him in return. Captured by His love in this way, my smitten heart increasingly burns to do His will and feasts itself on doing so."
Some more scripture:
John 15:13 "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."
Psalm 40:8 "I take joy in doing your will, my god, for your instructions are written on my heart."
Matthew 22:37 "Jesus replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.'"
A common phrase I use when praying is "May I fall more in love with You today than I did yesterday." I truly want my love for God to grow deeper with every passing day. To fall more intimately in love with Him. For Him to be my everything. My all.
With that, there was one last truth that hit me hard. In the section Perspective in Trials ,Vincent stated:
"For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ."
Philippians 3:7&8 "I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ."
God does everything in our lives for a reason: To draw us closer to Him and for His glory. How I respond to those different things is my choice. What happens later is my choice. I chose to allow God to do whatever He desires in my life so that He may be glorified in and through me and so that I may be drawn closer to Him. I also chose to be open about what God does so that others can be encouraged and draw closer to Him.
God, remind me daily of your gospel and help me to focus on the gospel in everything I do. _lml
"I never have to do a moment's labor to gain or maintain my justified status before God. Freed from the burden of such a task, I now can put my energies into enjoying God, pursuing holiness, and ministering God's amazing grace to others. The gospel also reminds me that my righteous standing with God always holds firm regardless of my performance, because my standing is based solely on the work of Jesus and not mine. On my worst days of sin and failure, the gospel encourages me with God's unrelenting grace toward me. On my best days of victory and usefulness, the gospel keeps me relating to God solely on the basis of Jesus' righteousness and not mine."
The scripture to support this is as follows:
Romans 4:5 "But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in God who forgives sinners."
Romans 5:18-20 "Yes, Adam's one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ's one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners.But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous. God's law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God's wonderful grace became more abundant."
We all mess up. Just because I have a relationship with God does not mean I will never mess up again. I will. I will give in to temptation and sinful lusts. By His grace alone, I can overcome that sin in my life. However, when I mess up, God still loves me. He forgives me and gives me more grace. My salvation is in Him and does not go anywhere. Therefore my worth does not decrease when I mess up. God still loves me. There is extreme comfort in knowing that truth. That truth should produce an overwhelming love in me for Him.
Vincent also wrote Obedience Borne of Love,
" Therefore, preaching the gospel to myself is a great way to keep God's amazing love before my eyes, so that I might experience its power to produce in me a passionate love for Him in return. Captured by His love in this way, my smitten heart increasingly burns to do His will and feasts itself on doing so."
Some more scripture:
John 15:13 "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."
Psalm 40:8 "I take joy in doing your will, my god, for your instructions are written on my heart."
Matthew 22:37 "Jesus replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.'"
A common phrase I use when praying is "May I fall more in love with You today than I did yesterday." I truly want my love for God to grow deeper with every passing day. To fall more intimately in love with Him. For Him to be my everything. My all.
With that, there was one last truth that hit me hard. In the section Perspective in Trials ,Vincent stated:
"For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ."
Philippians 3:7&8 "I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ."
God does everything in our lives for a reason: To draw us closer to Him and for His glory. How I respond to those different things is my choice. What happens later is my choice. I chose to allow God to do whatever He desires in my life so that He may be glorified in and through me and so that I may be drawn closer to Him. I also chose to be open about what God does so that others can be encouraged and draw closer to Him.
God, remind me daily of your gospel and help me to focus on the gospel in everything I do. _lml
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Ruth
If you were to ask me my middle name I would smile at you and simply shake my head no. You could guess and ask for hints and I would not help you. If I had told you my middle name in the past and you asked me again because you couldn't remember, I would not tell you again. I partially knew why, but tonight I finally understood completely why I wouldn't share that part of my life with you.
I am named after my grandmother. Now, my grandmother and I did not have a very good relationship. All throughout my childhood she tried to change me. I was the tomboy. She wanted a granddaughter who was ribbon and curls. A girlie girl. I was far from that. As a result I felt as though she resented me. I was one of the only grandchildren named after her, and yet she blocked me from her mind. At Christmas she gave my brothers money, I got a piece of string (I'm not kidding). When I was younger I had a blue mole on my nose. While my cousins were outside playing in the creek, I was sitting in the kitchen w/ egg white from inside the shell on my nose, letting it dry while grandma tried to pull the mole out. I never got a birthday card. As my grandparents were getting older they gathered all the family together to read a living will. I was the only family member not in the will. The only one.
Hurt upon hurt was added through the years. I tried. I tried really hard to be everything she wanted me to be, but it was never enough. When I returned home for her funeral I bawled. I couldn't even remember the last time I had told her I loved her. Truthfully, there was still resentment there. I wanted to tell her I loved her, and I couldn't. I hurt.
Lately I have been dealing with the hurts. Telling God about them and trying to find my confidence in Him and not in what others think of me. Yes, I still long for the approval of those I love, yet truthfully, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm living my life for God and that He loves me unconditionally. I am beautiful in His eyes. He made me just the way I am, and therefore I am perfectly and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13 & 14 says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it!"
I struggle with how others perceive me. As a result, I allow those I love to hurt me. No more. Today I realized the greatest thing I can do is forgive them and respond in love. If I choose to not forgive, I am giving them the power to hurt me. However, if I instantly give the hurt to God, forgive them, and respond in love, I am no longer being hurt. I am loving others in a way that God has told us to love. Unconditionally, just as He loves us. My favorite verse on love has always been 1 Cor. 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I were to love others that way...wow! Imagine how things would change!
Tonight I have forgiven my grandmother. I'm no longer holding on to the hurts. I choose instead to look only at the good memories. Every time I would leave her house, she gave me a flower in a vase. The flower, when turned petals down, looked like a dancer with a beautiful flowing dress. My grandma staid up at night with me when I was suffering from a horrible sunburn and could not sleep. My grandma would brush my hair and tell me it was absolutely beautiful. My grandma didn't laugh at me when I sat on a cactus (don't ask, just remember, tomboy). My grandma would always let me eat a cookie or piece of candy (even if mom and dad said no). My grandma loved me.
My name is Teresa Ruth Appleby. I was named after my grandmother Ruth Appleby who loved God with all her heart and strove to bring others closer to Him in all that she did. I love my grandma.
I am named after my grandmother. Now, my grandmother and I did not have a very good relationship. All throughout my childhood she tried to change me. I was the tomboy. She wanted a granddaughter who was ribbon and curls. A girlie girl. I was far from that. As a result I felt as though she resented me. I was one of the only grandchildren named after her, and yet she blocked me from her mind. At Christmas she gave my brothers money, I got a piece of string (I'm not kidding). When I was younger I had a blue mole on my nose. While my cousins were outside playing in the creek, I was sitting in the kitchen w/ egg white from inside the shell on my nose, letting it dry while grandma tried to pull the mole out. I never got a birthday card. As my grandparents were getting older they gathered all the family together to read a living will. I was the only family member not in the will. The only one.
Hurt upon hurt was added through the years. I tried. I tried really hard to be everything she wanted me to be, but it was never enough. When I returned home for her funeral I bawled. I couldn't even remember the last time I had told her I loved her. Truthfully, there was still resentment there. I wanted to tell her I loved her, and I couldn't. I hurt.
Lately I have been dealing with the hurts. Telling God about them and trying to find my confidence in Him and not in what others think of me. Yes, I still long for the approval of those I love, yet truthfully, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm living my life for God and that He loves me unconditionally. I am beautiful in His eyes. He made me just the way I am, and therefore I am perfectly and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13 & 14 says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it!"
I struggle with how others perceive me. As a result, I allow those I love to hurt me. No more. Today I realized the greatest thing I can do is forgive them and respond in love. If I choose to not forgive, I am giving them the power to hurt me. However, if I instantly give the hurt to God, forgive them, and respond in love, I am no longer being hurt. I am loving others in a way that God has told us to love. Unconditionally, just as He loves us. My favorite verse on love has always been 1 Cor. 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I were to love others that way...wow! Imagine how things would change!
Tonight I have forgiven my grandmother. I'm no longer holding on to the hurts. I choose instead to look only at the good memories. Every time I would leave her house, she gave me a flower in a vase. The flower, when turned petals down, looked like a dancer with a beautiful flowing dress. My grandma staid up at night with me when I was suffering from a horrible sunburn and could not sleep. My grandma would brush my hair and tell me it was absolutely beautiful. My grandma didn't laugh at me when I sat on a cactus (don't ask, just remember, tomboy). My grandma would always let me eat a cookie or piece of candy (even if mom and dad said no). My grandma loved me.
My name is Teresa Ruth Appleby. I was named after my grandmother Ruth Appleby who loved God with all her heart and strove to bring others closer to Him in all that she did. I love my grandma.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Rainbow
Last night in the prison was wonderful. Every five weeks we do a services entitled: Just Jesus. Basically, it's all about Jesus. Glorifying Him. Praising Him. Sharing about what He is doing in our lives. There is no format. We sing whatever songs the Holy Spirit lays on the ladies and my heart. We share testimonies and scripture and poetry all night long. Then we take time to celebrate communion before the evening is over. The whole point is to focus on Jesus and allow Him complete control of the evening. Just Jesus is one of the best evenings we have every single time. Last night was no different.
Something that God has been pressing on my heart this week is 1Thessalonians 5:24 "God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful." He calls us to different things, and when we are called by Him, it will happen. He wouldn't call us to something to then let us fail. When we do fail, it is often because we take over control and try to do things on our own, completely leaving Him out of the equation. However, when we turn things back over to Him, we are giving Him the freedom to do amazing things in our lives.
This week was a big week for me. May 25th was my 10 year anniversary. 10 years of being clean from cutting. 10 years of not attempting suicide. 10 years of living and clinging to God through the pains and hurts instead of trying to deal with it on my own. God changed me. I chose last night to share that with the inmates as a reminder that God can and will change you if you let Him. Now matter what happens, God can use you and will use you, if you allow Him to. My ladies in prison are no longer the same women they were when they entered those prison walls. God has changed them. Brought them to Him, restored them, healed them. He is already using them on the inside, and has so many more plans for them once they are released. How Awesome is our God!
Women shared their experiences and how God has been changing them. They're clinging to the hope of what He is going to do in their lives from this point on. I'm excited to see the plans of God unfold in their lives and impact the lives of those around them. There is nothing that is impossible with Him if we just allow Him the chance to work in our lives. There is no telling what He'll do!
The best part of our evening didn't even take place inside. As we worshiped God He gave us an amazingly breathtaking sunset to enjoy. His presence was glowing before our eyes. We finished with our closing song: The Benediction, then as the ladies went outside at 8:50pm, they were greeted with a complete rainbow. Excitement ran through the prison yard. God blessed us with a reminder that He never leaves us nor forsakes us. A perfect Rainbow completely encompassing the entire prison. He is there. He is working. He has a plan. He is Awesome. He is faithful to that which He has called us, and He will make it happen!
Something that God has been pressing on my heart this week is 1Thessalonians 5:24 "God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful." He calls us to different things, and when we are called by Him, it will happen. He wouldn't call us to something to then let us fail. When we do fail, it is often because we take over control and try to do things on our own, completely leaving Him out of the equation. However, when we turn things back over to Him, we are giving Him the freedom to do amazing things in our lives.
This week was a big week for me. May 25th was my 10 year anniversary. 10 years of being clean from cutting. 10 years of not attempting suicide. 10 years of living and clinging to God through the pains and hurts instead of trying to deal with it on my own. God changed me. I chose last night to share that with the inmates as a reminder that God can and will change you if you let Him. Now matter what happens, God can use you and will use you, if you allow Him to. My ladies in prison are no longer the same women they were when they entered those prison walls. God has changed them. Brought them to Him, restored them, healed them. He is already using them on the inside, and has so many more plans for them once they are released. How Awesome is our God!
Women shared their experiences and how God has been changing them. They're clinging to the hope of what He is going to do in their lives from this point on. I'm excited to see the plans of God unfold in their lives and impact the lives of those around them. There is nothing that is impossible with Him if we just allow Him the chance to work in our lives. There is no telling what He'll do!
The best part of our evening didn't even take place inside. As we worshiped God He gave us an amazingly breathtaking sunset to enjoy. His presence was glowing before our eyes. We finished with our closing song: The Benediction, then as the ladies went outside at 8:50pm, they were greeted with a complete rainbow. Excitement ran through the prison yard. God blessed us with a reminder that He never leaves us nor forsakes us. A perfect Rainbow completely encompassing the entire prison. He is there. He is working. He has a plan. He is Awesome. He is faithful to that which He has called us, and He will make it happen!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Enough
When is enough enough? What brings us to that point? What aspects of our lives are enough?
These questions have been going through my mind. First off, I came to the realization that I don't feel as though I am good enough. I don't meet the expectations of those around me. I am not able to do all that they want me to do. I am not able to fulfill all the different aspects of their qualifications that would make me "adequate" in their eyes. This reality hurts me.
Then I was reminded that God is enough. He is my every thing. He is my only thing. I need nothing else in life save Him. Now, I "know" this truth, but deep down, do I really "know" it?
Today in church we read through Psalm 143. Here is what it says:
"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous. Don't put your servant on trial, for no one is innocent before you. My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave. I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as a parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of your name, O Lord; preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress. In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."
Verse 4 is where I am at right now: "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear." Why? Because, "My enemy has chased me, He has knocked me to the ground..."(v.3) I have been brought to my weakest point. The enemy has attacked me again in my thought life, the place where he seems to attack me the most. To get me discouraged and to get me to question the reality of God in my life. I am not doubting God himself, but rather doubting that He is here. He seems so distant from me at the moment. The sad part is it's not him that moved but rather me. In trying to survive my crazy busy life, God has not remained my main priority.
My quiet times have gone from reading chapters a day to one verse a day. In God's wisdom, this was my verse today: 1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I love God, I will never give up no matter where He leads me, I will never lose my faith in Him no matter what is happening, I will remain hopeful in the plan and purpose He has for me, and I will endure through every journey He takes me on.
Part of enduring the journey is to be prepared for the battle and attacks of the enemy. I need to have my sword (His word) ready for the fight. I was challenged to find new ways this week to fast (mostly different aspects of my life) in order to find more time with Him. So my fast is to stay off of Facebook for the entire week. Each time I would normally log on I am going to read over my verse for the day. If I am curious about what others are doing, I am going to pray for them. I need more time with my Daddy. So He gets priority this week. A chance to get things back into perspective of where my priorities need to be, and all the more important as the journey continues onward. One step at a time, trusting in Him, "Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you." (v. 8)
I am trusting You to be enough for me. I am trusting that I am good enough, because I am Your daughter thanks to the blood of Your Son. I am trusting You with my heart and my fears as I follow You on the journey. I am trusting. I am trusting.
_lml
T
These questions have been going through my mind. First off, I came to the realization that I don't feel as though I am good enough. I don't meet the expectations of those around me. I am not able to do all that they want me to do. I am not able to fulfill all the different aspects of their qualifications that would make me "adequate" in their eyes. This reality hurts me.
Then I was reminded that God is enough. He is my every thing. He is my only thing. I need nothing else in life save Him. Now, I "know" this truth, but deep down, do I really "know" it?
Today in church we read through Psalm 143. Here is what it says:
"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous. Don't put your servant on trial, for no one is innocent before you. My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave. I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as a parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of your name, O Lord; preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress. In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."
Verse 4 is where I am at right now: "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear." Why? Because, "My enemy has chased me, He has knocked me to the ground..."(v.3) I have been brought to my weakest point. The enemy has attacked me again in my thought life, the place where he seems to attack me the most. To get me discouraged and to get me to question the reality of God in my life. I am not doubting God himself, but rather doubting that He is here. He seems so distant from me at the moment. The sad part is it's not him that moved but rather me. In trying to survive my crazy busy life, God has not remained my main priority.
My quiet times have gone from reading chapters a day to one verse a day. In God's wisdom, this was my verse today: 1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I love God, I will never give up no matter where He leads me, I will never lose my faith in Him no matter what is happening, I will remain hopeful in the plan and purpose He has for me, and I will endure through every journey He takes me on.
Part of enduring the journey is to be prepared for the battle and attacks of the enemy. I need to have my sword (His word) ready for the fight. I was challenged to find new ways this week to fast (mostly different aspects of my life) in order to find more time with Him. So my fast is to stay off of Facebook for the entire week. Each time I would normally log on I am going to read over my verse for the day. If I am curious about what others are doing, I am going to pray for them. I need more time with my Daddy. So He gets priority this week. A chance to get things back into perspective of where my priorities need to be, and all the more important as the journey continues onward. One step at a time, trusting in Him, "Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you." (v. 8)
I am trusting You to be enough for me. I am trusting that I am good enough, because I am Your daughter thanks to the blood of Your Son. I am trusting You with my heart and my fears as I follow You on the journey. I am trusting. I am trusting.
_lml
T
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Hurts
Life hurts. It's not always easy. Right now I am going through one of the most painful times of my life. I realize that we all go through different valleys in our lives, and I'm reminded that each one is of equal importance to each individual. The valleys just look different and produce different results. Mine is producing tears at the moment.
I'm learning that God needs to be my everything. He is my best friend. I can cry on His shoulder. I can share the deepest hurts in my heart. Share the fears. Share the shame. Share the questions. Share. He cares. He understands. He loves me. He holds me. He holds me.
Oh how I long for His loving arms to surround me. My heart cries out for the comfort of His embrace. I sit here typing with tears streaming down my face. Pleading for my Abba Father to put His loving arms around me. To comfort my heart. A peace begins to comfort me. To slow the tears. To calm my racing heart. He is making His presence known to me. I am not alone.
Yes, He is breaking me. He is working to tear down the lies the enemy is trying to get me to believe. The lie that I'm not good enough. The lie that I don't matter. The lie that God doesn't care. God's word reminds me that I am His child. That He isn't finished with me yet. Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
Hosea 2:14 "But then I will win her back once again, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." I am in my desert. God is placing me in the quiet place where I can have no distractions to keep me from hearing what He has to say. He is speaking tenderly to me. The walls I have put up to protect my heart are slowing crumbling down. He is healing me. It hurts. It's bittersweet. It's just beginning.
This song is playing in the background, reminding me again of the truth:
Clinging to the Cross
My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
What a Savior, what a story
You were crucified but now You are alive
So amazing, such a mystery
You were crucified but now You are alive
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
Do what you need to do Lord. Draw me closer to You. Tear down any walls I have put up. Hold me in Your arms of love. Keep my eyes focused on You. Help me to fall more in love with You.
_lml
I'm learning that God needs to be my everything. He is my best friend. I can cry on His shoulder. I can share the deepest hurts in my heart. Share the fears. Share the shame. Share the questions. Share. He cares. He understands. He loves me. He holds me. He holds me.
Oh how I long for His loving arms to surround me. My heart cries out for the comfort of His embrace. I sit here typing with tears streaming down my face. Pleading for my Abba Father to put His loving arms around me. To comfort my heart. A peace begins to comfort me. To slow the tears. To calm my racing heart. He is making His presence known to me. I am not alone.
Yes, He is breaking me. He is working to tear down the lies the enemy is trying to get me to believe. The lie that I'm not good enough. The lie that I don't matter. The lie that God doesn't care. God's word reminds me that I am His child. That He isn't finished with me yet. Philippians 1:6 "And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
Hosea 2:14 "But then I will win her back once again, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there." I am in my desert. God is placing me in the quiet place where I can have no distractions to keep me from hearing what He has to say. He is speaking tenderly to me. The walls I have put up to protect my heart are slowing crumbling down. He is healing me. It hurts. It's bittersweet. It's just beginning.
This song is playing in the background, reminding me again of the truth:
Clinging to the Cross
My soul is weak
My heart is numb
I cannot see
But still my hope is found in You
I’ll hold on tightly
You will never let me go
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
Even darkness is as light to You, my Lord
So light the way and lead me home
To that place where every tear is wiped away
For Jesus, You will never fail
Jesus, You will never fail
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
What a Savior, what a story
You were crucified but now You are alive
So amazing, such a mystery
You were crucified but now You are alive
Simply to the cross i cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as i am free
Jesus, You are all i need
Clinging to the cross
Do what you need to do Lord. Draw me closer to You. Tear down any walls I have put up. Hold me in Your arms of love. Keep my eyes focused on You. Help me to fall more in love with You.
_lml
Friday, March 26, 2010
Scars
Everyone has scars. Some are visible. Some are emotional. Some are fresh. Some have been present for years. All are a reminder in one way or another of something painful in our life.
Lately there has been some examining of scars going on at the prison. One lady was wrongly accused of some wrong doing by another inmate. As a result, she lost her job and could possibly end up in more trouble. Interestingly enough, the accusations were proved to be false, however, the consequences still remain. Now her scar of being betrayed by those who she holds close and dear is threatening to reopen. The enemy is spinning a lie around her that is causing her to doubt who she is and to doubt her ability to live in a way that is glorifying to Him. She is doubting that she will ever be able to trust those around her. The scar of her past experiences is a foothold that Satan is trying to take advantage of to cause her to start believing the lie.
Another inmate has a scar that deals with abusive authority in her life. Life has shown her to not trust those in authority over her because they will take advantage of that power and harm her. Her response is to defend herself and usually by opening her mouth and stating exactly how she's feeling. She defends herself and challenges them at the same time. She fears what will happen if she doesn't stand up for herself. Again, a lie that the enemy is trying to divert her with. Trying to discourage her and stop her from moving forward for God.
Another woman is dealing with the crime she committed. The anniversary of the man she killed while driving drunk just passed. Her way of coping? To turn off all emotion. Become numb, devoid of all feeling and response. If the tears rise to the surface, she takes a deep breath, looks straight ahead, squares her shoulders, and puts on a stone face. The enemy is lying to her in stating that this is how she is supposed to deal with everything. To not let it have an impact on her. Oh, she has dealt with this in the past, but things like this don't just go away. There will always be milestones that arise to bring back the emotions. Her scar is really deep and is brought to the surface in a harsh manner.
My last lady has physical scars. She is a cutter. She turned from God when her father took his life seven years ago. She is believing the lie that God doesn't care about her. That she is of no value to Him. Her way of dealing with this despair is to inflict pain on herself. She feels the need to validate the pain she is feeling, and by inflicting further pain she feels justified in the depressing feelings she is fighting. Her scars are fresh again, and the pain is overwhelming. The lie is the only thing she is seeing at the moment.
All of these women have a special place in my heart. God has placed them in my heart. I understand their scars. I have similar scars. I haven't been through all the same situations, but I have experienced similar responses. I have the emotional scars. My physical scars have faded over the years. I get it. I count it a blessing to have those scars. We all go through these experiences, and if we allow God to work and change us to be more like Him through the circumstances, he can and sill use those scars to spread His love to others. I don't regret anything I have been through. Time and again God uses those events to help me connect with others. God does the same thing through His word. His word is packed full of examples from believers lives. We can glean from those experiences and lessons to help us grow in our own walk with Him. My prayer is that God works in my life the way He did in the lives of those found in His word. I will accept the scars, knowing in the end, He is working to draw me into a more intimate relationship with Him.
Lately there has been some examining of scars going on at the prison. One lady was wrongly accused of some wrong doing by another inmate. As a result, she lost her job and could possibly end up in more trouble. Interestingly enough, the accusations were proved to be false, however, the consequences still remain. Now her scar of being betrayed by those who she holds close and dear is threatening to reopen. The enemy is spinning a lie around her that is causing her to doubt who she is and to doubt her ability to live in a way that is glorifying to Him. She is doubting that she will ever be able to trust those around her. The scar of her past experiences is a foothold that Satan is trying to take advantage of to cause her to start believing the lie.
Another inmate has a scar that deals with abusive authority in her life. Life has shown her to not trust those in authority over her because they will take advantage of that power and harm her. Her response is to defend herself and usually by opening her mouth and stating exactly how she's feeling. She defends herself and challenges them at the same time. She fears what will happen if she doesn't stand up for herself. Again, a lie that the enemy is trying to divert her with. Trying to discourage her and stop her from moving forward for God.
Another woman is dealing with the crime she committed. The anniversary of the man she killed while driving drunk just passed. Her way of coping? To turn off all emotion. Become numb, devoid of all feeling and response. If the tears rise to the surface, she takes a deep breath, looks straight ahead, squares her shoulders, and puts on a stone face. The enemy is lying to her in stating that this is how she is supposed to deal with everything. To not let it have an impact on her. Oh, she has dealt with this in the past, but things like this don't just go away. There will always be milestones that arise to bring back the emotions. Her scar is really deep and is brought to the surface in a harsh manner.
My last lady has physical scars. She is a cutter. She turned from God when her father took his life seven years ago. She is believing the lie that God doesn't care about her. That she is of no value to Him. Her way of dealing with this despair is to inflict pain on herself. She feels the need to validate the pain she is feeling, and by inflicting further pain she feels justified in the depressing feelings she is fighting. Her scars are fresh again, and the pain is overwhelming. The lie is the only thing she is seeing at the moment.
All of these women have a special place in my heart. God has placed them in my heart. I understand their scars. I have similar scars. I haven't been through all the same situations, but I have experienced similar responses. I have the emotional scars. My physical scars have faded over the years. I get it. I count it a blessing to have those scars. We all go through these experiences, and if we allow God to work and change us to be more like Him through the circumstances, he can and sill use those scars to spread His love to others. I don't regret anything I have been through. Time and again God uses those events to help me connect with others. God does the same thing through His word. His word is packed full of examples from believers lives. We can glean from those experiences and lessons to help us grow in our own walk with Him. My prayer is that God works in my life the way He did in the lives of those found in His word. I will accept the scars, knowing in the end, He is working to draw me into a more intimate relationship with Him.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Prison
Have you ever had one of the moments when you think you have it all figured out? You really know what God is trying to teach you? Then a short while later you realize you were wrong. That God had a completely different purpose entirely? That basically sums up my week. Let me share what has taken place...
Last Wednesday in youth group we went through Acts chapter 5. A few verses really stuck out to me. "But an angel of the Lord came at night, opened the gates of the jail, and brought them out. Then he told them, "Go to the Temple and give the people this message of life!" So at daybreak the apostles entered the Temple as they were told, and immediately began teaching." (19-21) I really thought I understood what God was trying to teach me here. I was wrong!
The next morning I received an e-mail from a friend stating I was heavy on their heart. They said they would be praying the words of Nehemiah for me all day: Protection. Later that evening as I was preparing to head out to minister in the prison I got a phone call from two of my girls from the youth group. They wanted to know specifically how to pray for the ministry that night. So I went through a run-down of some of the spiritual warfare we had been dealing with and requests for God working through us and for us staying out of God's way. They took time to both pray with me right there and then. Praying for wisdom from God, for my tongue and speech to be guarded but for my mind to be quick with scripture. It was so precious. I kept wondering why God was having so many people pray for me in one day. Nothing was noticeable on my part, I was a little cranky, but other than that nothing was out of the ordinary...not yet anyways.
We arrived at prison, and truthfully I was excited to see what God was going to do. Each week He was showing us what an awesome and amazing God He is. What would He do that night? We always start our nights off with singing. I took that time to write in my prayer journal. I prayed and prayed, I read scripture and wrote some of the verses that stuck out to me in my journal. A couple verses I wrote were Prov. 25:15 "Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones." Prov. 12:16 "A fool is quick tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted." I prayed my focus would stay on Him and on His truths, that my entire being would glorify Him.
Towards the end of the night we broke into small groups for discussion. Two ladies joined my group who I refer to as part of the "posse". As the discussion took place the "posse" combated everything I was saying. Telling me I was wrong, questioning everything I was saying. Now, if you know me, I am not one to just sit back and allow myself to be attacked. I fight back. I know how to defend myself, and I am sharp with my words. However, God truly had control that night. I just sat back, breathed, then ended discussion. I stated it was time for prayer. I took prayer requests, then lead the table in prayer. I prayed for each individual, then I prayed for the group as a whole. I prayed scripture over them, the Holy Spirit was bringing verses to mind faster than I could pray them. My response instead of fighting back in attack was to love them and to pray for them. So obvious to me that God was in control and I wasn't.
After we prayed my heart was heavy for one of the two girls. She was following the "leader" and not acting like the woman I have known for a couple years now. She was distracted. Trying to be like someone and ignoring the tender woman inside of her. I could see the struggle. I could see the desire to follow where God was leading her, but the desire to fit in was just as strong. I thought about calling her out on her personal attack against me. Pointing out she was not acting like herself. She is straightforward just like me, so I knew she could handle it. I told her I wanted to chat with her. So we walked to the side of the room, and I decided to pray. (Pretty sure that was God at work again, and not me!) We prayed. I prayed for God to break her, to bring out the tenderness that is inside desiring to reach those around her with the love of Jesus. I prayed scripture over her. We finished and she looked at me and simply said, "I needed that." I told her "I know." She stared at me for a while, then she said thank you. I could see it in her face, the struggle is still there. I need to lift her up continually!
Here I was, thinking that God had given us another wonderful night in prison, and He had. He just wasn't finished yet. The "leader" asked to speak with all the volunteers. So after almost all the other inmates had left, we gathered in a circle to chat. She opened her Bible to 1 John 2:22-23 "And who is a liar? Anyone who says that Jesus is not the Christ. Anyone who denies the Father and the Son is an antichrist. Anyone who denies the Son doesn't have the Father, either. But anyone who acknowledges the Son has the Father also." She then turned to me and said "You are an Anti-Christ. You need to repent. Are you going to?" Then she turned to my team and asked them, "So what are you going to do now?" I just stared at her. Did she just say that? Seriously? One of the team members stepped between the two of us, and I turned and walked away. The tears started flowing. I could be called a lot of things, but that was not one I was ever prepared for. Honestly. What was I going to do?
I cried the whole way home. Then I realized I had to go back. That this coming Thursday I was going to be walking into prison again facing these ladies. I prayed God would give me the love. There was something terrifying to me that I could quite figure out. On Sunday I received a card from one of the girls reminding me of what Christ had gone through. He was considered a blasphmer. People treated Him as an Anti-Christ and He was the Christ! He was there to lay down His life for them! They rejected Him. I Matt. 16:24 Jesus says, "...If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Part of my cross is going to be going back and loving those ladies. To face those who didn't reject me, they rejected my Savior. What am I going to do?
Well, truthfully, what I've done best is cry and pray. Lots. Sunday evening I went to re:Generation praying God would speak to me. I had no idea what was stopping me. The focus: Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work saving everyone who believes - the Jew first and also the Gentile." I am not ashamed...I am not ashamed. As the night continued I realized what was holding me back. I wasn't ashamed, I was afraid. I was afraid to stand up in front of those ladies, to serve Him and to be attacked again. For the "leader" to stand up and accuse me in front of everyone. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to serve Him because I was afraid of being persecuted again. I was afraid.
I prayed with a friend, both of us with tears streaming down our faces. When asked how she could help I said to just pray. To pray and send me scripture. She has done so. Monday she sent me Ezekiel 2. I love verses 6&7, "Son of man, do not fear them or their words. Don't be afraid even though their threats surround you like nettles and briers and stinging scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls, even though they are rebels. You must give them my messages whether they listen or not..." I need to go back. I need to not be afraid. I just need to go back and to love them and share His love with them.
Today I got a phone call from the prison. They are now doing an investigation on what happened. The prison is in a riot over the events. Everyone knows what happened. Security will now be increased as a result. Interesting. I shared with the officer that no matter what I would be back. I also stated I didn't wish for the inmate to be in trouble or to be removed from our services. This was the second time I had been asked by the officials if I felt that she should be removed. The answer is still a resounding no. She needs His love, His compassion, His mercy, His grace. If everyone always pushes her away, how will she learn? How will others learn from this? The officer was shocked. She didn't expect me to say that. She begged me to continue to keep coming. I promised her that nothing short of God taking me home would stop me from coming. This is where God has placed me. End of story. Until He calls me elsewhere, I will be there. In 6 years nothing has scared me away, and this won't either. No matter what happens I will continue to go and love and share.
I rejoice in God bringing this into my life. It hasn't been easy, and it won't be. I know this. But I also know that He is in control and that His plans are far greater than mine. Who knows what He is going to do through this. One thing is certain though, He is already using it as He has gotten the attention of the entire prison. Now to see what He does next!
Here are the lyrics to a song that has been helping me through. I listen to remind myself of the truth, He is my Savior, He knows who I am. He knows the truth, and I need to only listen to Him.
Last Wednesday in youth group we went through Acts chapter 5. A few verses really stuck out to me. "But an angel of the Lord came at night, opened the gates of the jail, and brought them out. Then he told them, "Go to the Temple and give the people this message of life!" So at daybreak the apostles entered the Temple as they were told, and immediately began teaching." (19-21) I really thought I understood what God was trying to teach me here. I was wrong!
The next morning I received an e-mail from a friend stating I was heavy on their heart. They said they would be praying the words of Nehemiah for me all day: Protection. Later that evening as I was preparing to head out to minister in the prison I got a phone call from two of my girls from the youth group. They wanted to know specifically how to pray for the ministry that night. So I went through a run-down of some of the spiritual warfare we had been dealing with and requests for God working through us and for us staying out of God's way. They took time to both pray with me right there and then. Praying for wisdom from God, for my tongue and speech to be guarded but for my mind to be quick with scripture. It was so precious. I kept wondering why God was having so many people pray for me in one day. Nothing was noticeable on my part, I was a little cranky, but other than that nothing was out of the ordinary...not yet anyways.
We arrived at prison, and truthfully I was excited to see what God was going to do. Each week He was showing us what an awesome and amazing God He is. What would He do that night? We always start our nights off with singing. I took that time to write in my prayer journal. I prayed and prayed, I read scripture and wrote some of the verses that stuck out to me in my journal. A couple verses I wrote were Prov. 25:15 "Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones." Prov. 12:16 "A fool is quick tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted." I prayed my focus would stay on Him and on His truths, that my entire being would glorify Him.
Towards the end of the night we broke into small groups for discussion. Two ladies joined my group who I refer to as part of the "posse". As the discussion took place the "posse" combated everything I was saying. Telling me I was wrong, questioning everything I was saying. Now, if you know me, I am not one to just sit back and allow myself to be attacked. I fight back. I know how to defend myself, and I am sharp with my words. However, God truly had control that night. I just sat back, breathed, then ended discussion. I stated it was time for prayer. I took prayer requests, then lead the table in prayer. I prayed for each individual, then I prayed for the group as a whole. I prayed scripture over them, the Holy Spirit was bringing verses to mind faster than I could pray them. My response instead of fighting back in attack was to love them and to pray for them. So obvious to me that God was in control and I wasn't.
After we prayed my heart was heavy for one of the two girls. She was following the "leader" and not acting like the woman I have known for a couple years now. She was distracted. Trying to be like someone and ignoring the tender woman inside of her. I could see the struggle. I could see the desire to follow where God was leading her, but the desire to fit in was just as strong. I thought about calling her out on her personal attack against me. Pointing out she was not acting like herself. She is straightforward just like me, so I knew she could handle it. I told her I wanted to chat with her. So we walked to the side of the room, and I decided to pray. (Pretty sure that was God at work again, and not me!) We prayed. I prayed for God to break her, to bring out the tenderness that is inside desiring to reach those around her with the love of Jesus. I prayed scripture over her. We finished and she looked at me and simply said, "I needed that." I told her "I know." She stared at me for a while, then she said thank you. I could see it in her face, the struggle is still there. I need to lift her up continually!
Here I was, thinking that God had given us another wonderful night in prison, and He had. He just wasn't finished yet. The "leader" asked to speak with all the volunteers. So after almost all the other inmates had left, we gathered in a circle to chat. She opened her Bible to 1 John 2:22-23 "And who is a liar? Anyone who says that Jesus is not the Christ. Anyone who denies the Father and the Son is an antichrist. Anyone who denies the Son doesn't have the Father, either. But anyone who acknowledges the Son has the Father also." She then turned to me and said "You are an Anti-Christ. You need to repent. Are you going to?" Then she turned to my team and asked them, "So what are you going to do now?" I just stared at her. Did she just say that? Seriously? One of the team members stepped between the two of us, and I turned and walked away. The tears started flowing. I could be called a lot of things, but that was not one I was ever prepared for. Honestly. What was I going to do?
I cried the whole way home. Then I realized I had to go back. That this coming Thursday I was going to be walking into prison again facing these ladies. I prayed God would give me the love. There was something terrifying to me that I could quite figure out. On Sunday I received a card from one of the girls reminding me of what Christ had gone through. He was considered a blasphmer. People treated Him as an Anti-Christ and He was the Christ! He was there to lay down His life for them! They rejected Him. I Matt. 16:24 Jesus says, "...If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Part of my cross is going to be going back and loving those ladies. To face those who didn't reject me, they rejected my Savior. What am I going to do?
Well, truthfully, what I've done best is cry and pray. Lots. Sunday evening I went to re:Generation praying God would speak to me. I had no idea what was stopping me. The focus: Romans 1:16 "For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work saving everyone who believes - the Jew first and also the Gentile." I am not ashamed...I am not ashamed. As the night continued I realized what was holding me back. I wasn't ashamed, I was afraid. I was afraid to stand up in front of those ladies, to serve Him and to be attacked again. For the "leader" to stand up and accuse me in front of everyone. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to serve Him because I was afraid of being persecuted again. I was afraid.
I prayed with a friend, both of us with tears streaming down our faces. When asked how she could help I said to just pray. To pray and send me scripture. She has done so. Monday she sent me Ezekiel 2. I love verses 6&7, "Son of man, do not fear them or their words. Don't be afraid even though their threats surround you like nettles and briers and stinging scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls, even though they are rebels. You must give them my messages whether they listen or not..." I need to go back. I need to not be afraid. I just need to go back and to love them and share His love with them.
Today I got a phone call from the prison. They are now doing an investigation on what happened. The prison is in a riot over the events. Everyone knows what happened. Security will now be increased as a result. Interesting. I shared with the officer that no matter what I would be back. I also stated I didn't wish for the inmate to be in trouble or to be removed from our services. This was the second time I had been asked by the officials if I felt that she should be removed. The answer is still a resounding no. She needs His love, His compassion, His mercy, His grace. If everyone always pushes her away, how will she learn? How will others learn from this? The officer was shocked. She didn't expect me to say that. She begged me to continue to keep coming. I promised her that nothing short of God taking me home would stop me from coming. This is where God has placed me. End of story. Until He calls me elsewhere, I will be there. In 6 years nothing has scared me away, and this won't either. No matter what happens I will continue to go and love and share.
I rejoice in God bringing this into my life. It hasn't been easy, and it won't be. I know this. But I also know that He is in control and that His plans are far greater than mine. Who knows what He is going to do through this. One thing is certain though, He is already using it as He has gotten the attention of the entire prison. Now to see what He does next!
Here are the lyrics to a song that has been helping me through. I listen to remind myself of the truth, He is my Savior, He knows who I am. He knows the truth, and I need to only listen to Him.
The tension is thick in the air
Making it hard to see
I fear what is to come
And what will become of me
I say a prayer help me not run away
Will you please hold me
And sing me a love song again
Say the words that heal my heart
sing me a love song and then
Let your words remind me who I am
You've never failed me before
Why do I feel betrayed
If I close my heart to you now
The darkness would have its way
I crave your voice help me not fall away
Will you please hold me
'Cause you are all I need
And all that I want is you with me
You are all I need
And all that I want is you with me
Sing Me a Love Song by Barlow Girl
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Love
I find it interesting that I have wanted to write this out for a while, however I am just now setting aside the time to share my thoughts. As I sat in class waiting for my day to begin, I opened my e-mail to see what scripture of the day I would be meditating on. This is what was awaiting me in my inbox:
"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35
I immediately cringed. Love. Again? Why is God always pointing love out to me? Have I not gotten the picture yet? Apparently not! Last year I was overwhelmed with the sense of not knowing how to love those around me. After studying several sermons our church had gone through on love, one of my teens suggested I read the book by Francis Chan Crazy Love. So I did. Wow! I learned more about love in those few weeks than I think I have my entire life. So why is God bringing it to light again? Have I not gotten the point to His message? I am to love those around me. I get it...or do I really????
I don't think I do. Especially after reading John 13:35 that morning. Shortly thereafter a classmate sat down next to me and immediately started to try my patience. The verse floated through my mind. I need to start with loving those around me. Oh great. This is going to be fun! NOT! It's one thing for me to love those I don't know, another to execute love to those close to me who push every button of mine possible. It reminds me of Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Hmmm...makes me think. One of my selfish ways is to desire my wants above those around me. I need to put aside that selfish desire, and pick up my cross by putting those around me first. By loving them.
Right now God is teaching me this lesson with my roommate. Coming from different cultures, we have different perspectives on things. In her culture, they hug a lot. A lot. Honestly, there are times when I feel completely hugged out. My selfish desire causes me to make decisions like this morning where I hurried out the door so that by the time she got there it was too awkward to share a hug. I was already mostly out the door. I felt so ashamed. I put myself first. I didn't even take into account how this might impact her emotionally throughout the day. I thought only of myself and my desires. I was not loving her.
I have been challenged to truly love those around me by casting aside my selfish desires, picking up my cross and following Him. Love those around me as He loves them. To constantly pray for love to flow from me. I am not naturally a loving person. One look at 1 Corinthians 13 shows that. Start with verse 4 where it says, "Love is patient..."and I've already fallen short. I am not patient. Let alone moving past that part of love. I need to pour more into my relationship with Him so that as He loves me deeper and more intimately I can in turn share that love with those around me. Starting with those under the same roof as me. Picking up my cross daily and casting aside my selfish desires.
Lord help me to fall more in love with you today than I did yesterday. Also help me to follow you by casting aside my selfish desires and pick up my cross whatever it may be. Make the desire of my heart to be loving you and loving those around me with every ounce of my being!
"Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." John 13:35
I immediately cringed. Love. Again? Why is God always pointing love out to me? Have I not gotten the picture yet? Apparently not! Last year I was overwhelmed with the sense of not knowing how to love those around me. After studying several sermons our church had gone through on love, one of my teens suggested I read the book by Francis Chan Crazy Love. So I did. Wow! I learned more about love in those few weeks than I think I have my entire life. So why is God bringing it to light again? Have I not gotten the point to His message? I am to love those around me. I get it...or do I really????
I don't think I do. Especially after reading John 13:35 that morning. Shortly thereafter a classmate sat down next to me and immediately started to try my patience. The verse floated through my mind. I need to start with loving those around me. Oh great. This is going to be fun! NOT! It's one thing for me to love those I don't know, another to execute love to those close to me who push every button of mine possible. It reminds me of Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me." Hmmm...makes me think. One of my selfish ways is to desire my wants above those around me. I need to put aside that selfish desire, and pick up my cross by putting those around me first. By loving them.
Right now God is teaching me this lesson with my roommate. Coming from different cultures, we have different perspectives on things. In her culture, they hug a lot. A lot. Honestly, there are times when I feel completely hugged out. My selfish desire causes me to make decisions like this morning where I hurried out the door so that by the time she got there it was too awkward to share a hug. I was already mostly out the door. I felt so ashamed. I put myself first. I didn't even take into account how this might impact her emotionally throughout the day. I thought only of myself and my desires. I was not loving her.
I have been challenged to truly love those around me by casting aside my selfish desires, picking up my cross and following Him. Love those around me as He loves them. To constantly pray for love to flow from me. I am not naturally a loving person. One look at 1 Corinthians 13 shows that. Start with verse 4 where it says, "Love is patient..."and I've already fallen short. I am not patient. Let alone moving past that part of love. I need to pour more into my relationship with Him so that as He loves me deeper and more intimately I can in turn share that love with those around me. Starting with those under the same roof as me. Picking up my cross daily and casting aside my selfish desires.
Lord help me to fall more in love with you today than I did yesterday. Also help me to follow you by casting aside my selfish desires and pick up my cross whatever it may be. Make the desire of my heart to be loving you and loving those around me with every ounce of my being!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Perspective
Sitting in church today I began to ponder the perspective I have in life. I was sitting next to my friends 91 year old grandmother. We call her GGB: Great Grandma Bernie. As the service began with singing GGB and I sat there. I sang. She listened. Every now and again I would steal a glance at her face. Her eyes glistened with tears. Tears, not because she was sad, but rather tears for the precious moment she was taking part in.
If there is one thing I have learned over the years of helping take care of GGB, it's that time and age change one's perspective. GGB is nearing the point in life where she will one day soon get to meet her maker face to face. While she treasures her life here, her family and friends, her main focus is Him. Any aspect of life that puts our attention on eternity in Heaven, GGB is one step ahead of us. Why is that?
As we age we begin to think of what is to come. Death. For those who have a relationship with God, death is not the end but rather the beginning. Eternity awaits us. An eternity spent with the One who created the Heavens and the Earth. The Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. Our Abba Father. Yahweh. Holy. My mind can't even begin to fathom how amazing that will be! But why do I need to wait until I am 91 to keep my focus there?
Over the summer I took part in a challenge to read through the Bible in a month. At one point I was here with GGB while I was doing my reading. That day, we read 100 chapters in the Psalms. Even as my voice tired from reading aloud, I couldn't stop. Why? I would look up from my reading to see GGB mouthing the words to the Psalms as I was reading. She would sit there with a small content smile on her face. Her hands would clasp from time to time and she would bring them close to her heart. A gentle tear would silently fall. Words cannot do justice to the picture in front of me. However I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that as those moments occur, she is seeing her Savior. She is finding herself at His feet, in awe of the love He bestows upon us.
I find myself from time to time in that same place: a place where I feel as though I am there at the feet of Christ as He sits on His throne in Heaven, just worshiping Him. When those moments occur I treasure them. Then as the day continues I forget all about them until another one takes place. My perspective is off. I find myself too caught up in the here and now that I loose sight of what really matters: Him.
I don't have an answer except to say our perspectives need to change. Our focus needs to remain on Him and living every moment for Him. Eternity needs to be more than just an after thought. Eternity is a gift we've been given. A gift we need to share with those around us. As we do, I have a feeling our perspectives will change. We'll begin to focus where we should: on Him.
I know there is so much more to this, but for now, this is all I have. After more pondering, I'll retouch this topic in the future!
If there is one thing I have learned over the years of helping take care of GGB, it's that time and age change one's perspective. GGB is nearing the point in life where she will one day soon get to meet her maker face to face. While she treasures her life here, her family and friends, her main focus is Him. Any aspect of life that puts our attention on eternity in Heaven, GGB is one step ahead of us. Why is that?
As we age we begin to think of what is to come. Death. For those who have a relationship with God, death is not the end but rather the beginning. Eternity awaits us. An eternity spent with the One who created the Heavens and the Earth. The Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and the End. Our Abba Father. Yahweh. Holy. My mind can't even begin to fathom how amazing that will be! But why do I need to wait until I am 91 to keep my focus there?
Over the summer I took part in a challenge to read through the Bible in a month. At one point I was here with GGB while I was doing my reading. That day, we read 100 chapters in the Psalms. Even as my voice tired from reading aloud, I couldn't stop. Why? I would look up from my reading to see GGB mouthing the words to the Psalms as I was reading. She would sit there with a small content smile on her face. Her hands would clasp from time to time and she would bring them close to her heart. A gentle tear would silently fall. Words cannot do justice to the picture in front of me. However I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that as those moments occur, she is seeing her Savior. She is finding herself at His feet, in awe of the love He bestows upon us.
I find myself from time to time in that same place: a place where I feel as though I am there at the feet of Christ as He sits on His throne in Heaven, just worshiping Him. When those moments occur I treasure them. Then as the day continues I forget all about them until another one takes place. My perspective is off. I find myself too caught up in the here and now that I loose sight of what really matters: Him.
I don't have an answer except to say our perspectives need to change. Our focus needs to remain on Him and living every moment for Him. Eternity needs to be more than just an after thought. Eternity is a gift we've been given. A gift we need to share with those around us. As we do, I have a feeling our perspectives will change. We'll begin to focus where we should: on Him.
I know there is so much more to this, but for now, this is all I have. After more pondering, I'll retouch this topic in the future!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Glory
Such a simple word, yet one that I will never think of in the same way after tonight.
In our Just Jesus service in the prison I got a front row seat to seeing the Glory of God at work. The night started off a little slow, so I pulled out my prayer journal and began praying. After a couple of minutes the whole evening changed. Ladies were coming up and sharing testimonies of what God was teaching them in their darkest of hours. The messages were so beautiful.
Honestly, it got me to thinking. These women are some of the most beautiful people you'll ever meet. At the same time, if you saw them on the street you more than likely wouldn't even look twice. Most of them are missing teeth, have tattoos all over, their hair is not healthy, they are not what society would call attractive. Yet God has changed these very women from the inside out. I walk in and receive a toothless smile that lights up the room. Why? Because that woman has found the unconditional never ending love of our Savior. What could possibly be more beautiful than that?
As the night progressed one of our ladies, Jennifer, got up to sing. She sang How Great Thou Art. I have never heard anything so beautiful. Tears streaming down her face, hands lifted high to her Abba, I watched her sing to her Daddy. She glowed. She was having that special intimate moment with her Father, and I was getting to witness it.
Later, Crystal, fell to her knees as we were singing the song Sweetly Broken. Tears fell down her cheeks as she praised God for what He did on the cross for her. Again, the beauty of a spirit completely broken and leaning upon the One and only one who reaches out to them with arms wide open. She was humbled by the gift of His grace in her life.
Jennifer came back up to share something she realized. She spoke so simply, yet so powerfully. Simply: we are God's glory. His glory is reflected in our lives as His creation. Our purpose is to bring Him glory. He designed us to do just that. So when He looks at us, He see's the beauty in us despite what others may see. Why? When we are His children we become a new creation in Him. He see's us through the blood of Christ. We are beautiful. We have the ability to bring Him the glory He deserves.
There were no dry eyes in the room. We were beautiful. God see's us a beautiful. The world may see us as ugly, toothless, fat, skinny, a cutter, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a prisoner, a screw-up, a lost cause. God saw us, loved us, sent His Son to give His life for us, accepted us, and see's us a beautiful. We were given the gift of being a reflection of His glory to the world around us. So the question becomes: How brightly are you shining?
In our Just Jesus service in the prison I got a front row seat to seeing the Glory of God at work. The night started off a little slow, so I pulled out my prayer journal and began praying. After a couple of minutes the whole evening changed. Ladies were coming up and sharing testimonies of what God was teaching them in their darkest of hours. The messages were so beautiful.
Honestly, it got me to thinking. These women are some of the most beautiful people you'll ever meet. At the same time, if you saw them on the street you more than likely wouldn't even look twice. Most of them are missing teeth, have tattoos all over, their hair is not healthy, they are not what society would call attractive. Yet God has changed these very women from the inside out. I walk in and receive a toothless smile that lights up the room. Why? Because that woman has found the unconditional never ending love of our Savior. What could possibly be more beautiful than that?
As the night progressed one of our ladies, Jennifer, got up to sing. She sang How Great Thou Art. I have never heard anything so beautiful. Tears streaming down her face, hands lifted high to her Abba, I watched her sing to her Daddy. She glowed. She was having that special intimate moment with her Father, and I was getting to witness it.
Later, Crystal, fell to her knees as we were singing the song Sweetly Broken. Tears fell down her cheeks as she praised God for what He did on the cross for her. Again, the beauty of a spirit completely broken and leaning upon the One and only one who reaches out to them with arms wide open. She was humbled by the gift of His grace in her life.
Jennifer came back up to share something she realized. She spoke so simply, yet so powerfully. Simply: we are God's glory. His glory is reflected in our lives as His creation. Our purpose is to bring Him glory. He designed us to do just that. So when He looks at us, He see's the beauty in us despite what others may see. Why? When we are His children we become a new creation in Him. He see's us through the blood of Christ. We are beautiful. We have the ability to bring Him the glory He deserves.
There were no dry eyes in the room. We were beautiful. God see's us a beautiful. The world may see us as ugly, toothless, fat, skinny, a cutter, a drug addict, an alcoholic, a prisoner, a screw-up, a lost cause. God saw us, loved us, sent His Son to give His life for us, accepted us, and see's us a beautiful. We were given the gift of being a reflection of His glory to the world around us. So the question becomes: How brightly are you shining?
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