Motivation

Today was a day of revelation for me. This morning as I was standing in my living room signing songs in worship to God my heart started to open up again. As I as driving to church the thought crossed my mind, I have lost sight of my passion. My priorities in life have gotten out of order. How did I let this happen?

I believe it happens in small little every day decisions. As I was preparing to start this term, I made some life changing decisions. After discovering that my parents wanted to help me pay for schooling this year, I made the decision to stop working so I could further concentrate on my studies. Now, I do not regret that decision, however, I do believe it helped me to get my priorities out of order. My focus in my day to day life became my studies at school. To be putting forth my absolute best to get the A's for my grades. To prove that I was good enough to pass the QE (qualifying exam) and get my internship. Now, all of these are good things to be striving for. However, if they are getting in the way of our walk with God, they are no longer good. My priority had shifted from using the skills God has given me to glorify Him, to instead glorify myself. No wonder I have been so stressed out and unsure of where I stand. I'm signing for myself and not for God's glory. There is no satisfaction in that.

The same thing applies to our lives in relation to the Gospel. Many times we go through life thinking that if we're just good enough or try hard enough God will accept us for who we are, sin and all. If that were all it took, then why would God send His Son to die on the cross for our sins? He willingly paid the price so that we didn't have to do anything aside from believing in Him. End of story. Even if we believe this, we still often try to do more. We try to follow all the rules. To be good enough. To prove our worth. Essentially all we do is a slap in the face of God. Its saying that we don't need Him, that the gift He gave of Christ dying, that wasn't enough. We're still living as though we need to do something more to prove our worth. Yet Isaiah 64:6 says, "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment..." in other words, even if we try to do something good, its still no better than a dirty tampon (polluted garment). So, why am I trying? Is there a point? No. There isn't.

So yes, scripture talks about this a lot in relation to the Gospel (for example Gal. 5:1-15), but at the same time, the same principles apply to many aspects of life. My priorities have gone out of order as I put my ability to pass a test above my desire to use the skills He has given me for His glory. My prayer is to let go of the opinions of those around me. Yes I still need to put forth my best effort, but not for the same reasons. I will give my best so that He may be glorified. I will not give my best just to pass a test and feel good about myself. I am only here because this is where God has directed me. If I take Him out of the equation, anything I do becomes polluted garments.

Passion

Every one of us has something we are passionate about in life. A friend of mine once described me as a passionate individual. Explaining that I live life fully and completely, leaving nothing behind. To understand this you have to examine my life. During the fall, one of my favorite seasons rolls around: Football Season! I am 'passionate' about my Iowa Hawkeyes. On a weekly basis I am 'passionate' about my ministry opportunities. I am 'passionate' about the teens in our youth group. I am 'passionate' about the women in the prison. When I'm at work, I am 'passionate' about making a quality cup of coffee for our customers. I come home and my apartment shows my passion for life. It's warm and inviting, comfortable, full of expressions of love. I am 'passionate' about how it's decorated. So yes, I guess you could describe my life as 'passionate' and that would be accurate. Tonight I realized though that my passion is changing.

I am studying Sign Language Interpretation. Why? I am 'passionate' about sign language. At times I cannot fully communicate with words what I want to say. However, if you give me some music and allow me to sign, I will not only tell you what I am thinking, I will show you my very soul in the process. I will withhold no aspect of myself in communicating. Sign Language is a window into the soul of who I am. When I sign for someone they are allowed the opportunity to look through the panes of glass that are often closed off by a curtain of protection. I cannot sign without showing my soul. It's how I freely communicate with God. My truest form of worship with Him comes in signing. Tonight was a revelation to me about my 'passion'.

The greatest desire I have for signing is for God to use the skills I'm learning to minister to others. I don't care how He does it, but I want to serve Him through sign. In the past I have done this by signing music in church. I still have people come up to me with tears in their eyes over the memory of me signing because of the way God used that to impact some truth to them. The combination of signing and music reaches into the depths of the souls of others to impact them and draw them closer to God in a way I can't even begin to explain. I have been blessed to be used by God to help draw others closer to Him. Often I use the signing in the prison as it also tears through walls the inmates have built up in their lives to reach them in a way that might not have otherwise been possible. Therefore, no matter how hard, I will continue to answer the call to ministry of sign as long as God so chooses to call me.

Tonight was different. Earlier today I was at a sound check for a memorial service tomorrow. Grandma Bernadine, a wonderful woman who suffered from Alzheimers whom I was a caregiver to for three and a half years, was always supportive of my signing. She used to come see me sign at church when I was spending the weekends with her. She would blow me a kiss and wave at me from the audience. When I would return to sit next to her she would always hold my hand and remind me that God was glorified by the beauty of my soul sharing. She encouraged me to keep going. The second to last time I signed in church, she was there, with my special kiss. It's been over a year and a half since I've signed in church. I say that only to say that I felt as though the 'passion' inside of me was being squelched. I wasn't being used of God to minister to others the way I had anticipated. It hurt(s). Why God? Why would You give me this burning desire and then not use it??? Am I seeking after the wrong thing? Did I chose the wrong path? Did I get it wrong after all?

I've been reading a book by John Piper, "A Hunger for God", in which Piper talks about fasting and prayer. Part of fasting is being willing to give up the good (to fast, and not necessarily with food) in order to spend more time with Him (which is better than the good thing you gave up). What exactly does that mean? I think I'm finally beginning to get it. Tonight I needed to clean part of the apartment as my parents will be here for a visit in a couple of days. I put in a CD with some of my favorite worship songs and started walking towards the bedroom to get started cleaning. I was drawn back to the living room and stood there signing song after song to God. I was overwhelmed with tears streaming down my face. I was barely able to breath as I felt myself standing in His presence, worshiping Him. Without even realizing it, I had fasted a part of my schedule to spend more time with Him. To draw closer to Him. And then it clicked. He is my Passion. Spending time with Him is my passion. It doesn't matter if I never get to sign again. What matters is that I get to spend time with Him. Even if the only signing I ever do is in my living room, where I am communicating with Him, that is enough. I don't need more. What I need is Him and Him alone.

So I will follow my Passion wherever He may lead me. I will minister however He asks me to minister. I will find my satisfaction in Him alone. Oh my Sweet Jesus, please keep taking me through these moments of drawing me closer to You. The pain is worth the impact of realizing how precious You are.

_lml

Alaskan Valley

Have you ever gone through an event, just the same as everyone else, and while they all had what seemed like a "Mountain Top Experience," you had a "Valley Experience?" The more I process the recent mission trip I went on, I realize that is how I feel. I got to watch in amazement, and honestly with some jealousy, as I saw God work in the lives of our team on their "Mountain Top Experiences." Where was my mountain top? Was I doomed to go through the valley? What purpose could God possibly have in taking me through the valley?

Now, I don't regret my valley time at all. Truth is, often times we are going through the valley, but it is a mountain top experience just at a lower altitude. The more I process what happened, the more I praise God for what He did. Over the past year I have been extremely busy with school, working two jobs and continuing my volunteer work. My days are crazy busy. I prayed all year for more time with God. More down time to just spend with Him. My prayers were finally answered on this trip. On average I was spending between 2-4 hours alone with Him each day. Alaska is great in the aspect that it gets light at 3:00am during this part of the year. I require darkness to be able to sleep. As a result, I was waking up before the alarm, every day. I spent that time with God. Reading His word, praying and just drawing closer to Him. Often I would find a little more down time in the evening and be able to go back to prayer and the word. It was precious. Quiet and slow, the opposite of my life. Some of those times it hurt. I wasn't with my team because my stomach was reacting to the food, so I was left behind. A low point, yet as I process it, I got that time with God. What is low about that? Nothing. He answered my prayers that I had been praying for a long time. They were just answered in a way I didn't expect.

On Sunday, our team went on a hike. We went to Mt. Roberts to complete a "3/4" mile hike that would take us to this wonderful tram that would bring us back down the mountain. Now, I realize that I am out of shape, but "3/4" of a mile, I could handle that. We began our hike and it was absolutely gorgeous. I was loving it. After a while I was beginning to question our hike. How long was "3/4" of a mile? Was I really that out of shape? I couldn't breath. Oxygen is a must for this kind of activity! What was going on? My team was ahead of me. I looked up at the muddy switchback we were hiking. I could see them lined up above me, looking down at me. The next thing I knew, they were cheering for me. Encouraging me to continue going forward. My team was supporting me. I was humbled. We continued on. By now we've been hiking for an hour and a half. I know that I am slowing the team down, but seriously, and I really that out of shape? What is wrong with me? Why is it so difficult for me to hike "3/4" of a mile???? Now my team is taking turns coming back to spend time with me. Encouraging me. Lauren is singing and I can't even get enough oxygen to breath! I'll try to attach the video we made of that later. Josh came and offered to carry my back-pack. That was humiliating to me. I know he meant well, but I felt like I was failing. I couldn't do it myself. I refused, but then Lindsay asked if she could take it. I let her. (I rationalize that by stating Josh was carrying his own back-pack and Lindsay didn't have one. Really, it was just stupid pride getting in my way.) I felt 100 times better not having that back-pack on. Wow! I could move faster. Two and a half hours later we reach the tram. There is this cute little sign posted there that reads "2.5" miles. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Phew! I am not THAT out of shape! Yes!!!! We just accomplished a 2.5 mile hike. Victory!

I can't really explain it, but at several points along the way, I felt God stripping away my pride. Humbling me. Working on different areas of my soul. I need to change. I need to die to myself and follow Him wherever that may be. I need to trust Him and allow Him to do whatever it is He needs to do. It's not about me. It's all about Him. I need to live my life in a way that glorifies Him in all aspects. I realized I am not glorifying Him with my body. I have become lazy in my crazy busy life. I am not taking as good of care of my body as I should. So I am changing that. Better eating habits are coming into practice. Exercise is becoming a must. No more excuses. It's time to give it all to Him.

Now, I was sure my mountain tops would come in the form of connecting with my girls. Nope. I honestly didn't have times of connection with them. I prayed daily for them. I begged God to give me "divine appointments" with the girls. Times to chat and discuss how He was working and what they were learning. They never came. I sat and watched as my girls connected with the other leaders on our trip. Ouch. That hurt. In my selfish human self, I was hurt. Why God? Why weren't You allowing me a chance to connect with them? Can't I share in that experience? The answer was simple: No. Why? The lesson I was being reminded of is that it is not about me. It's about God and Him receiving the glory. Romans 11:36 says, "For everything comes from Him and exists by His power and is intended for His glory. All glory to Him forever! Amen." I was forgetting an important thing. Just because God called me to go on a missions trip doesn't mean He had to use me. What was important was that I was willing to go and follow His calling on my life. What happens from there is up to Him. It's not about me, and regardless of whether He chooses to use me or not, He still gets the glory from the work done. There is so much more I learned, through the process of God humbling me and stripping away pride in my life. Pride that I wasn't even aware existed in some cases. It's interesting as I continue in my valley time, life is still quiet and slow. It's uncomfortable for me. Others think something is wrong, but I tell them not to worry. Nothing is wrong. God is just working in my life right now, and that requires me to be quiet and listen. To slow down and process. To rest in His peace. To die to self and glorify Him. "I cried out to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy mountain."Psalm 3:4

Gospel

As I continue on my journey to find my identity in Christ, I am reading the book A Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent. Today as I was reading there were some sections that hit me hard. In the section entitled Resting in Christ's Righteousness Vincent writes this,

"I never have to do a moment's labor to gain or maintain my justified status before God. Freed from the burden of such a task, I now can put my energies into enjoying God, pursuing holiness, and ministering God's amazing grace to others. The gospel also reminds me that my righteous standing with God always holds firm regardless of my performance, because my standing is based solely on the work of Jesus and not mine. On my worst days of sin and failure, the gospel encourages me with God's unrelenting grace toward me. On my best days of victory and usefulness, the gospel keeps me relating to God solely on the basis of Jesus' righteousness and not mine."

The scripture to support this is as follows:

Romans 4:5 "But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in God who forgives sinners."

Romans 5:18-20 "Yes, Adam's one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ's one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners.But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous. God's law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God's wonderful grace became more abundant."

We all mess up. Just because I have a relationship with God does not mean I will never mess up again. I will. I will give in to temptation and sinful lusts. By His grace alone, I can overcome that sin in my life. However, when I mess up, God still loves me. He forgives me and gives me more grace. My salvation is in Him and does not go anywhere. Therefore my worth does not decrease when I mess up. God still loves me. There is extreme comfort in knowing that truth. That truth should produce an overwhelming love in me for Him.

Vincent also wrote Obedience Borne of Love,

" Therefore, preaching the gospel to myself is a great way to keep God's amazing love before my eyes, so that I might experience its power to produce in me a passionate love for Him in return. Captured by His love in this way, my smitten heart increasingly burns to do His will and feasts itself on doing so."

Some more scripture:

John 15:13 "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends."

Psalm 40:8 "I take joy in doing your will, my god, for your instructions are written on my heart."

Matthew 22:37 "Jesus replied, 'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.'"

A common phrase I use when praying is "May I fall more in love with You today than I did yesterday." I truly want my love for God to grow deeper with every passing day. To fall more intimately in love with Him. For Him to be my everything. My all.

With that, there was one last truth that hit me hard. In the section Perspective in Trials ,Vincent stated:


"For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ."


Philippians 3:7&8 "I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ."

God does everything in our lives for a reason: To draw us closer to Him and for His glory. How I respond to those different things is my choice. What happens later is my choice. I chose to allow God to do whatever He desires in my life so that He may be glorified in and through me and so that I may be drawn closer to Him. I also chose to be open about what God does so that others can be encouraged and draw closer to Him.

God, remind me daily of your gospel and help me to focus on the gospel in everything I do. _lml

Ruth

If you were to ask me my middle name I would smile at you and simply shake my head no. You could guess and ask for hints and I would not help you. If I had told you my middle name in the past and you asked me again because you couldn't remember, I would not tell you again. I partially knew why, but tonight I finally understood completely why I wouldn't share that part of my life with you.

I am named after my grandmother. Now, my grandmother and I did not have a very good relationship. All throughout my childhood she tried to change me. I was the tomboy. She wanted a granddaughter who was ribbon and curls. A girlie girl. I was far from that. As a result I felt as though she resented me. I was one of the only grandchildren named after her, and yet she blocked me from her mind. At Christmas she gave my brothers money, I got a piece of string (I'm not kidding). When I was younger I had a blue mole on my nose. While my cousins were outside playing in the creek, I was sitting in the kitchen w/ egg white from inside the shell on my nose, letting it dry while grandma tried to pull the mole out. I never got a birthday card. As my grandparents were getting older they gathered all the family together to read a living will. I was the only family member not in the will. The only one.

Hurt upon hurt was added through the years. I tried. I tried really hard to be everything she wanted me to be, but it was never enough. When I returned home for her funeral I bawled. I couldn't even remember the last time I had told her I loved her. Truthfully, there was still resentment there. I wanted to tell her I loved her, and I couldn't. I hurt.

Lately I have been dealing with the hurts. Telling God about them and trying to find my confidence in Him and not in what others think of me. Yes, I still long for the approval of those I love, yet truthfully, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm living my life for God and that He loves me unconditionally. I am beautiful in His eyes. He made me just the way I am, and therefore I am perfectly and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13 & 14 says, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it!"

I struggle with how others perceive me. As a result, I allow those I love to hurt me. No more. Today I realized the greatest thing I can do is forgive them and respond in love. If I choose to not forgive, I am giving them the power to hurt me. However, if I instantly give the hurt to God, forgive them, and respond in love, I am no longer being hurt. I am loving others in a way that God has told us to love. Unconditionally, just as He loves us. My favorite verse on love has always been 1 Cor. 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I were to love others that way...wow! Imagine how things would change!

Tonight I have forgiven my grandmother. I'm no longer holding on to the hurts. I choose instead to look only at the good memories. Every time I would leave her house, she gave me a flower in a vase. The flower, when turned petals down, looked like a dancer with a beautiful flowing dress. My grandma staid up at night with me when I was suffering from a horrible sunburn and could not sleep. My grandma would brush my hair and tell me it was absolutely beautiful. My grandma didn't laugh at me when I sat on a cactus (don't ask, just remember, tomboy). My grandma would always let me eat a cookie or piece of candy (even if mom and dad said no). My grandma loved me.

My name is Teresa Ruth Appleby. I was named after my grandmother Ruth Appleby who loved God with all her heart and strove to bring others closer to Him in all that she did. I love my grandma.

Rainbow

Last night in the prison was wonderful. Every five weeks we do a services entitled: Just Jesus. Basically, it's all about Jesus. Glorifying Him. Praising Him. Sharing about what He is doing in our lives. There is no format. We sing whatever songs the Holy Spirit lays on the ladies and my heart. We share testimonies and scripture and poetry all night long. Then we take time to celebrate communion before the evening is over. The whole point is to focus on Jesus and allow Him complete control of the evening. Just Jesus is one of the best evenings we have every single time. Last night was no different.

Something that God has been pressing on my heart this week is 1Thessalonians 5:24 "God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful." He calls us to different things, and when we are called by Him, it will happen. He wouldn't call us to something to then let us fail. When we do fail, it is often because we take over control and try to do things on our own, completely leaving Him out of the equation. However, when we turn things back over to Him, we are giving Him the freedom to do amazing things in our lives.
This week was a big week for me. May 25th was my 10 year anniversary. 10 years of being clean from cutting. 10 years of not attempting suicide. 10 years of living and clinging to God through the pains and hurts instead of trying to deal with it on my own. God changed me. I chose last night to share that with the inmates as a reminder that God can and will change you if you let Him. Now matter what happens, God can use you and will use you, if you allow Him to. My ladies in prison are no longer the same women they were when they entered those prison walls. God has changed them. Brought them to Him, restored them, healed them. He is already using them on the inside, and has so many more plans for them once they are released. How Awesome is our God!
Women shared their experiences and how God has been changing them. They're clinging to the hope of what He is going to do in their lives from this point on. I'm excited to see the plans of God unfold in their lives and impact the lives of those around them. There is nothing that is impossible with Him if we just allow Him the chance to work in our lives. There is no telling what He'll do!
The best part of our evening didn't even take place inside. As we worshiped God He gave us an amazingly breathtaking sunset to enjoy. His presence was glowing before our eyes. We finished with our closing song: The Benediction, then as the ladies went outside at 8:50pm, they were greeted with a complete rainbow. Excitement ran through the prison yard. God blessed us with a reminder that He never leaves us nor forsakes us. A perfect Rainbow completely encompassing the entire prison. He is there. He is working. He has a plan. He is Awesome. He is faithful to that which He has called us, and He will make it happen!

Enough

When is enough enough? What brings us to that point? What aspects of our lives are enough?

These questions have been going through my mind. First off, I came to the realization that I don't feel as though I am good enough. I don't meet the expectations of those around me. I am not able to do all that they want me to do. I am not able to fulfill all the different aspects of their qualifications that would make me "adequate" in their eyes. This reality hurts me.

Then I was reminded that God is enough. He is my every thing. He is my only thing. I need nothing else in life save Him. Now, I "know" this truth, but deep down, do I really "know" it?

Today in church we read through Psalm 143. Here is what it says:

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous. Don't put your servant on trial, for no one is innocent before you. My enemy has chased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darkness like those in the grave. I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as a parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of your name, O Lord; preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress. In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."

Verse 4 is where I am at right now: "I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear." Why? Because, "My enemy has chased me, He has knocked me to the ground..."(v.3) I have been brought to my weakest point. The enemy has attacked me again in my thought life, the place where he seems to attack me the most. To get me discouraged and to get me to question the reality of God in my life. I am not doubting God himself, but rather doubting that He is here. He seems so distant from me at the moment. The sad part is it's not him that moved but rather me. In trying to survive my crazy busy life, God has not remained my main priority.

My quiet times have gone from reading chapters a day to one verse a day. In God's wisdom, this was my verse today: 1 Corinthians 13:7 "Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." If I love God, I will never give up no matter where He leads me, I will never lose my faith in Him no matter what is happening, I will remain hopeful in the plan and purpose He has for me, and I will endure through every journey He takes me on.

Part of enduring the journey is to be prepared for the battle and attacks of the enemy. I need to have my sword (His word) ready for the fight. I was challenged to find new ways this week to fast (mostly different aspects of my life) in order to find more time with Him. So my fast is to stay off of Facebook for the entire week. Each time I would normally log on I am going to read over my verse for the day. If I am curious about what others are doing, I am going to pray for them. I need more time with my Daddy. So He gets priority this week. A chance to get things back into perspective of where my priorities need to be, and all the more important as the journey continues onward. One step at a time, trusting in Him, "Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you." (v. 8)

I am trusting You to be enough for me. I am trusting that I am good enough, because I am Your daughter thanks to the blood of Your Son. I am trusting You with my heart and my fears as I follow You on the journey. I am trusting. I am trusting.

_lml

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